Divorce of the Century
by jezzeria
Summary: Edward and Bella have overcome death, destruction, cheating, and everything in between. But can they withstand the possibility of divorce? AH OOC ExB
1. Destruction

**Short A/N before we get straight to it: SM owns all.**

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I stand at the kitchen counter before grabbing the loaf of bread that sits next to the toaster. Opening the fridge I pull out all that I will need for my sandwich: turkey, swiss cheese, lettuce and mayonnaise. My arms laden with food I kick the fridge door closed trying not to drop anything. I move towards the island in the middle of the kitchen when I hear the front door slam.

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you home so early." I smile up at Bella my hands busy piecing my sandwich together.

"What are you doing here?" Bella asks, stopping in her tracks. She looks almost angry at me.

"I had a half day at the office." In reality I have come home early to setup a date night for Bella and I. We'd both been busy lately and haven't had much time together.

"Oh." Is all that Bella says before walking towards our bedroom.

"Would you like a sandwich?" I offer, but all I receive is a curt 'no'.

"I'm leaving." Bella says suddenly emerging from our room, her fingers are stark white as she stands clutching her luggage.

"Business trip?" I ask somewhat disappointed but after all of our years together with Bella in a career that requires her to travel I know I will just have to move our evenings plans around for when she gets back.

"No Edward, I'm leaving _you._"

The entire room is silent except for the loud ticking of the large clock that sits on the wall in the living room. It feels like all of the blood has been emptied from my body. I'm unsure if my heart is even still beating.

"Let's work this out." I plead, my tone bordering on panic.

Bella sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Edward," she pauses, she sounds beyond exasperated, "I just need some time."

I nod. I'm unsure of what that means, but I am agreeing any way, grasping onto any hope for us. Picking up her bags she heads for the front door. She stops with her hand resting on the knob. My heart beats once, waiting for her to turn around and tell me this was all a sick joke. But my heart stutters before stopping completely once again as I watch her walk out the door.

The ticking of the clock is mocking me while I stand rooted in the same spot, willing her to come back.

* * *

It has been three days since Bella left.

Three agonizingly long days.

I haven't so much as heard a word from her. She didn't tell me where she was going. I tried to call her only to find that her phone number has been disconnected. It's almost like she's vanished completely.

Still wearing the same clothes from the day she left, I lay here on the couch, huddled into the soft material. I breathe in and traces of her scent linger. Closing my eyes I pretend she's here. Imagine that this were a week ago; me laying with my head in her lap reading the morning paper. Bella reads a book, running her fingers aimlessly through my hair. My chest clenches and that feeling that all the blood has left my body returns.

Our room calls out to me, taunting me with its barrage of memories. I refuse to go in. Refuse to acknowledge the gaping hole she's left behind after taking all of her things.

I'm acutely aware of a loud banging sound. My mind playing over and over the past few days together. I'm desperately searching for signs that this was coming; signs that I've obviously missed. I find nothing but good memories.

Sure things hadn't been perfect in our relationship, and recently we'd been struggling a bit more than usual. It was nothing we hadn't gone through before, nothing we couldn't tackle again. But I had thought there was time. I thought _we_ had time. It never occurred to me that we might have an expiration date.

"Ed-what the fuck." Emmett's voice says, pulling me back into the present.

But I can't do it, can't bring myself to look at my brother. Can't tell him that she's gone. Somehow Emmett knowing will make it all too real.

"Edward, where's Bella?" Emmett's voice is softer; knowing.

A lump forms in my throat and instead of answering I can only shake my head.

"Bro, you're scaring me. What's going on?" Emmett grips my shoulder, trying to pull me towards him. Trying to see my face.

"She left me." I whisper so softly I'm not sure if I even said it or simply thought the words.

"Shit." Emmett must have supersonic hearing.

We sit in silence and Emmett makes no more attempts to get me to move or speak.

"I'm going to be right back okay? I'm not going anywhere."

Somehow hearing Emmett promise he isn't going to leave me too is comforting. I can hear his hushed tone and can only imagine who he may be calling, but at this point I don't even care.

"Bro, I'm going to throw this stuff out alright?"

It dawns on me than that I never finished even making my sandwich, never bothered to put the food away. I am suddenly aware of how bad it smells after sitting out.

I'm not sure how much time passes, once again slipping back into my memory despite my attempts not to. This time I hear the front door open and close.

"Come on," Emmett says softly, he and Jasper are hoisting me up, "lets get you cleaned up."

They help me to the shower, and I somehow manage to wash myself without needing them. They promise me they will be just outside if I need anything. The warm water beats down against my rigid muscles but not even that soothes me.

I refuse to look at myself in the mirror, refuse to see the failure that I've become. What did I do so horrible that I lost the only thing that had ever truly meant anything to me? Getting dressed even takes extra effort and I am thankful that Emmett or Jasper had taken it upon themselves to get my clothes from our room.

Walking into the living room I feel Emmett and Jasper staring at me. If I look at them I know what I will see, know how much pity I will find in their eyes. Pity that I don't want to acknowledge. Pity that will make this ache in my chest too much.

"Do you want something to eat?" Jasper offers, moving towards the kitchen.

I shake my head no before collapsing back onto the couch.

"You guys don't have to do this," I finally say, although if I'm being completely honest with myself I don't want to be alone.

"You did it for us."

* * *

**Still with me? This isn't going to be an easy trek but I hope you stick with me. So many stories focus on new love, chasing love. This story will be told mainly in EPOV, although who knows Bella may want to sneak in her two cents at some point.**


	2. A Phone Call

**To my only reviewer so far, Kgunter34, thank you for not only the review but the little giggle I had as well. Maybe Edward isn't always the bad guy to make mistakes. But only time can tell as this story progresses. **

**Also I don't promise to update this fast every time, but this chapter was eating away at me all night.**

**I don't know anything, just that the angst of this story has been eating away at me for almost 3 years and I'm finally writing it. SM owns everything.**

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Emmett is right, I was there for them when they had their hearts broken. When Emmett and Rosalie were in college, Rose left him because he was too much of a party animal, and she wanted him to settle down. Emmett was a wreck, and I did what I could for him. Even going as far as letting him cry on my shoulder and staying with him for days on end, even though my relationship with Bella was still fairly new, until I could trust that he'd be safe alone.

And when Alice left Jasper, her first love, to explore the world and see what else was out there, I made sure I was by his side as well. Jasper was much more reserved about his pain, but still Emmett and I made sure we did whatever we could for him. But it was different then.

Then, I could selfishly go home, thinking to myself how I would never have to be in that kind of situation. Thinking that Bella and my relationship was too amazing; too indestructible.

Now they sit here with me and it's my turn. They are staring at me with pity and it dawns on me that I never really had the empathy that these two needed from me when they were going through this. But they know exactly what I am feeling; the pain that I am going through. The looks in their eyes is almost too much to bear, and I stare down at the floor instead of having to face them.

Emmett's phone begins to ring, and I fight the urge to curl up in a ball on the couch again. I know that Rose will be worried about me also, but I don't know that I can stomach listening to them talk to one another. I don't know if I can handle knowing that when Emmett leaves he will be able to go back to her arms, while the woman I love is God knows where.

"It's for you." Emmett is handing me his phone, and I'm unsure if I can stomach even talking to Rose, but I take the device from him anyway.

"Edward."

Bella's voice is like a kick start to my heart and I don't know what to say, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth.

"Hi." I manage to squeak, and instead of Jasper and Emmett making fun of my prepubescent sound they smile at me their eyes weary of the conversation that's about to take place.

"Your phone is dead." Bella states matter of factly.

After Bella left I tried to call her multiple times, listening in vain while the operator told me the number was no longer in service. In my frustration I had thrown my phone somewhere. I wasn't sure where it was, or if it was even intact at this point.

"Sorry." I don't know what else to say. Talking to Bella has always been easy but now I am at a loss for words, afraid to say the wrong thing.

"Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that you're...okay." Bella sounds nervous, and it dawns on me than that she's just being nice. She doesn't actually care or want to be on the line with me at all. My blood runs cold again.

"It's not easy." I say, the pain welling up inside of me. I'm trying desperately not to cry on the phone with her.

"I'm sorry," she says, but I can hear it in her voice that she's not. She's more sorry that this is such an inconvenience to her right now, and then a thought flashes through my mind.

"Is there...someone else?" I look up and Jasper and Emmett look tense, waiting to see my reaction. I'm sure they are gauging to see how long they're going to have to take care of me; to see how deep of a gash Bella is going to leave in me.

"Edward, no, how could you think that about me?" Bella is lashing out at me, which to me screams guilt, but I push it aside.

"Please, let's try to work this out. We can go to counseling. We can do whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want." I'm desperate; pleading.

"Edward...," the exasperation is back in her voice once again, and I wonder if she's talked to me like this often. Did I ever just not notice just how fed up with me she's been?

"I can't lose you," I whisper, I can't stop the begging word vomit that is coming from my mouth. I am grasping at threads now, trying to find anything to hold us together.

There is a long pause, and I wonder if maybe she is considering my offer.

"There's someone else." Her words cut me like a knife and if I thought my blood was cold before it is ice cubes now as I sit stunned.

"Who is he?" My voice is more of a growl, and I notice Emmett and Jasper glance at one another briefly.

"Edward, you don't know him." Just like that she tries to dismiss me. Dismiss this whole situation like it's nothing.

"Have you slept with him?" The answer can only torture me, but for some reason I have to know. I _need_ to know.

"Seriously?" Bella is surprised and it pisses me off. If the shoe had been on the other foot I am almost certain she would react the same way.

"Answer the question. Have you _fucked_ him yet Bella?" I am seething now, pissed that she would so easily disregard my feelings.

"No, Edward, not _yet_," she says back at me but she doesn't sound angry, she sounds almost timid. She's not saying it just to spite me, I can hear it in her voice that her words are truthful.

"Okay." I don't know what else to say. Her answer somehow manages to give me a glimmer of hope, I still have time. Time before he claims her as his own.

"Edward, I'm sorry," she's apologizing again but not for anything that truly matters, "I shouldn't have called. Just...take care of yourself alright?"

Just like that the line is dead.

Somehow I manage to hand Emmett back his phone. Both men are staring at me but I don't know what to say. Don't know how to tell them that my wife is leaving me for another man.

"Alcohol, I need alcohol." I finally manage, and both men spring into action. They must have already anticipated this because it is only moments before I have a drink in my hand. I don't even bother to taste what it is before I throw it back in one shot. Bella's worlds are swirling around me, they've become a whirlpool, sucking me down into the dark abyss.

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**The divorce rate in the world is ridiculously high, and instead of ignoring it and writing stories about new love I thought I would write a story address what _so_ many of us, of you, of anyone who has to go through. I hope I do this justice. I've never been divorced but I definitely had my heart broken severely, and I've actually been drawing some of the emotion and scenes from my own experiences.**


	3. Anti Nausea

**Totally honest with you the first couple of chapters (this one included) is basically how I handled my heart being broken. If it starts sounding too girly emo let me know, I'm trying to keep in realistic but bring in some of my own experience. **

**Stephenie Meyers owns everything including my attention span.**

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It's been nearly a week since Bella left and I have finally managed to drag myself into the bathroom on my own. Now I stand in front of the mirror, and what I see staring back at me makes me cringe.

My hair is greasy, my last shower being when Emmett and Jasper forced me to almost 4 days ago. Parts of my hair is sticking up while other parts seem to stick to my head. There are large purple bags underneath both of my eyes. I can't sleep. It is not that I'm haunted by nightmares but good dreams. But it's my eyes that are the worst. They are void of any and all emotion. I feel as though I am staring into a lifeless corpse. I look away quickly, already sick of seeing my own face, and I continue on to evaluate the rest of my body. I have noticeably lost weight. Not only do I not have an appetite but nearly fifty-percent of what I attempt to eat is expelled anyway. Which is part of the reason for this venture to get cleaned up.

Today I am showering on my own accord. In my mind I check this event as a positive on my list. Alice assured Jasper that everyday I need to make note of all of the positive things that happen. So far it has helped to see even the smallest things.

Things that have already made the list: Emmett and Jasper being there for me, Alice's cooking, Rosalie coming to help clean and do laundry, showering on my own today, and getting out of the house may make it onto my list later, depending how everything goes.

The water is scalding hot, but I can barely feel it cascading over my skin. My traitorous skin is remembering sensual touches that took place in this shower. Images flash through my mind of Bella's skin on mine. Grabbing a washcloth I try to rub myself raw, it's an attempt to rid my body of the memory of Bella. But it's no use; she is embedded in my entire being.

I towel dry off, thankful that before Jasper left he had grabbed me some clean clothes. I've yet to face the demon in my room. I know I will have to, but not today.

The ticking of the clock is back, but today it doesn't feel as though it's taunting me. Just a reminder that life continues on. That thought alone makes it onto my positive list for the day, and I feel a tiny bit of hope.

This is the first time I've been alone since Emmett found me. I sent them both home hours ago, sick of seeing the pity all over their faces.

I also haven't talked to Bella since our phone call. Even though it hurts, and this is the longest we've gone without talking, I prefer it this way.

Picking up my keys from the kitchen counter I take a deep breath. I am leaving my house for the first time in a week. I need to go to the pharmacy. Carlisle has written me a prescription for something to try to help with my nausea, it's something he normally prescribes for pregnant women with extreme morning sickness. Emmett and Jasper couldn't even contain their laughter and jabs at me for that one. Which is why I'm picking it up on my own. I don't need any more reason for them to tease me. Although if I'm being honest, I like it. My brother and brother-in-law ribbing me is another normalcy returning to my life.

Driving away I feel slightly lighter, there are not as many memories around to weigh me down.

The parking lot is packed, and I am unsure if I can handle this big of a crowd just yet. Exiting my car I move swiftly, determined to get in and out as quickly as possible. Hopefully there won't be anybody here who will recognize me. I am definitely not ready for social interaction.

Staring at the ground I make my way towards the entrance, but something makes me stop just before I get to the door. I can feel her presence.

Turning to my right I see her. Bella hasn't noticed me. A pang shoots through me and I wonder if that means that she no longer feels that connection to me. Or maybe she's just choosing to ignore it. We had always been able to sense one another nearby in the past. The pain grows, the realization dawning on me that she is to be nothing more but a past to me now.

I stand there a moment watching her, unsure of what to do. Bella throws her head back in laughter and I see her arm laced with her best friend Angela's. I feel bitter that she can so easily move on with her life after 12 years of marriage.

Angela drops a piece of paper and I watch the wind grab hold of it dragging it a few feet behind her. Angela turns around to grab it catching my eye. Her eyes are as wide as saucers, and Bella turns around to see what is taking Angela so long. Biting her bottom lip Bella says something to Angela before walking over to me.

"How are you doing?" The question makes me want to laugh in her face. Undoubtedly she sees the same thing I saw in my reflection this morning, sans the greasy hair.

Instead I don't say or do anything. Bella shifts from one leg to another nervously.

"Alright, well take care."

And just like that she is gone again. I stumble through the store completely unaware of anything or anyone around me. The pharmacist is telling me something about my prescription but I feel like I am in a bubble and all of the sound around me is muted.

"You alright?" The pharmacist asks eyeing me worriedly.

"Yea, I'm fine," I mumble nodding my head, grabbing the bag in my hand before walking away.

I am in the parking lot before I realize my head is still nodding. I try desperately to unlock my car door. My fingers are numb and I am having a hard time getting the key in the door. I drop the keys repeatedly before finally managing to rip the door open, tears flooding my eyes.

I am unsure how I see on the drive home, but the next thing I know I am nearly running through the front door of my house.

My chest is tight and I can't seem to breathe. I am crying. I am hyperventilating.

Dropping to the floor, my back resting against the door I gasp for breath, while the sobs tear through me. I feel like I'm watching myself from outside of my body as I crumple completely into a pile. The image of Bellas carefree attitude plastered permanently in my mind.

This is my first panic attack.

* * *

**Breathe in. Breathe out.**

**Hard chapter for me to write. This is almost exactly what happened to me. In an attempt to overshare in my A/N here: My now husband, broke up with me, had me pack all of his stuff and get it to him. Then he told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore because he needed time. Yes he also told me there was someone else. (Yes he has and continues to make up for this heartache daily). Anyway, I went to the pharmacy to pick up sleeping pills my dr had prescribed me because I couldn't sleep and I saw him with his neighbor laughing. He came over to me and tried to talk to me and I'm pretty sure I stared at him like a zombie, managed to pickup my prescription and drive home before having a horrible panic attack in front of my mom. Talk about crazy and embarrassing. So why did I tell you all of this? In an attempt for you NOT to overly bash Edward's cry babyness because I can more than relate to him. **


	4. No Regret

**Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to about this story to bounce ideas off of or what not. Sorry for the wait husband wanted 'family' time. Whatever that is ;)**

**As usual Stephenie Meyers owns all, no infringement intended.**

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Alice finds me this time. There is no pity in her eyes like there has been for so many days in her counterparts eyes; her expression seethes anger.

"I want to cut that bitch," she says finally, after I explain to her what happened on my trip to the pharmacy.

"Yea, like that's going to help, Alice." Rose butts-in unexpectedly, closing the front door behind her.

I wondered briefly if anyone even bothers to knock when they come over nowadays.

"Well she's acting like a cunt." Alice spats out before turning back to the kitchen throwing cans and food into my cabinets and fridge angrily.

"Even so, Edward loves her. Just like Jasper loved you when you were having your own cunty moment." Rose and Alice's banter is somewhat amusing and slightly confuses me.

Alice just stares at Rose for a long moment, Rose's hand rests on one hip an eyebrow raised. It almost looks like she is daring Alice to say something else. Alice finally looks away and Rose seems to take this as a sign of defeat.

"You're a bitch too." Alice is the first to break the silence again after that, but all Rose does is laugh in response.

There seems to be a new silent understanding between them, and I don't even bother to try to understand it.

Alice finishes putting the rest of the food away, having kept out a few things to prepare for dinner. Rose moves throughout the house tidying up and starting a load of my laundry.

"Edward," Rose turns to me, "have you thought about maybe going somewhere?"

"Like a shrink?" I ponder aloud.

"Well, you could do that too, but no. I meant like going somewhere out of town. You know, _away_, from Bella. Maybe it will help you clear your mind."

"I think that would be a great idea," Alice chimes in over the sound of her chopping something up for dinner.

"Look Edward, Em and I have a condo in Ventura. You can go use it for as long as you need to. Get some sun and fresh air. Go. Clear your head. You don't have to decide now, just know it's an option if you need it."

"Thank you." I don't know what else to say, but the more that I think about it the more I realize just how much I need it; want it even. To put miles and miles between any memories of Bella and I.

"That sounds nice. Maybe you guys can come with me?" I ask, sounding more desperate than I had intended to.

"I'm in!" Alice smiles at me from ear to ear; she is always looking for a reason to go to the beach.

"Of course." Rose smiles sympathetically at me, patting the top of my knee.

I know I will need time alone, but I also know that I don't want the support system that has been keeping me going this past week to be so far away. Just in case.

Just like that it is decided, and we are on our way to a land of sunshine and no Bella.

* * *

My family is bustling as we step into the cool ocean air after so long of being stuck in a stuffy car. Rose refused to let the windows even be cracked in case it may mess up her hair on the drive down. Now Alice is currently not speaking to her, because Alice only rides with the windows down. Ignoring them I turn to look up at the condo.

I am feeling uneasy. Reaching for my phone I feel that I need to tell Bella. In all of the time that we have been together we have always known where the other is.

"Don't." Jasper's hand is on my own pushing my hand away from my phone.

"What if she needs me?" The question even sounds ridiculous to me. She has made it very obvious that she no longer needs me.

"If she doesn't answer it will only make it worse. Don't worry, Alice already told her we'd be going."

I am unsure how to feel knowing that Alice has told her. Unsure of how I feel that Bella knows where I am. Somehow this knowledge makes me feel like she could show up at any moment, and I am suddenly very on edge. What would I do if I saw her here?

Emmett throws his arm around my shoulders, clapping my arm. "Wait until you see this place!"

He is right of course, the place is gorgeous and taking the tour helps to calm my nerves. I realize how ridiculous I was being; of course Bella isn't going to show up here.

Everyone settles into their own rooms, and there is noise coming from every direction of the house. I am suddenly feeling very overwhelmed, smothered by everything going on.

"I'm gonna go take a walk." I say to no one in particular because nobody is even looking at me, but I walk out the back door anyway.

The deck goes straight out onto the beach, and I am engulfed by sand and the sound of crashing waves. It is eerily comforting. I find a good place to sit down where nobody will take notice of me.

I watch the waves crashing against the shore, taking in everything before me. Seagulls yell at one another overhead, passing by, their eyes always open searching for something to eat. Looking out at the endless water I feel like nothing more than a speck where I sit; my problems seemingly tiny.

The sound of the water has kept my mind from wandering anywhere and I am simply taking in everything that is around me. Nothing more than a rock observing life.

The sun begins to set and beautiful colors are splashed out across the sky. The water still collides roughly into the earth, but somehow it feels calmer. The atmosphere the earth is emitting screams romance, and I think briefly how Bella would love this.

The lump is back in my throat. Bella always wanted to go places like this. Why didn't I ever take her? Our lives had become so engulfed in work and trying to get ahead, that all of our plans had been put off until 'tomorrow'. Why hadn't I ever taken the initiative to make tomorrow, today?

Grabbing my phone from my pocket, I don't think before I send the text message.

Tears flow freely down my face as I hug my knees up into my chest, placing the phone beside me. The message stares up at me, taunting me before the light fades to black.

_I'm sorry I couldn't be more._

* * *

**Bella is not finished in this story, and I don't just mean the memory of her from Edward. Just a heads up in case you think Edward is going to meet the new love of his life or anything. :) Promise I have a general idea of what I'm doing...i think.**


	5. Intoxication

**What? To chapters simultaneously? Yes because I love you that much and feel THAT guilty about just kind of ditching you for a few days.**

**Stephenie Meyers. Do I really need to say more than that?**

* * *

We have now been in Ventura for 3 day. I have still yet to hear from Bella. She hasn't tried to contact me about my text, and for that I am thankful. I'm not entirely sure what I would say if she were to mention it.

Tonight Jasper and Emmett have talked me into going out with the two of them. It is spring break and there are lots of people running around half dressed. Both of them think I need to "get back out there" to try to get my mind off Bella. I know that's easier said than done, but I am agreeing anyway because frankly Rose and Alice are starting to drive me nuts.

The bar is full, and just like Jasper and Emmett had hoped the female population far outweighs the male population. Many of them are scantily dressed or still in their bikinis from earlier in the day.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, at least just have a drink with us," Jasper yells above the noise, thrusting a drink into my hands.

I nod, lifting the cup to my mouth and swallowing down the harsh liquid. I don't recognize any of the music and am feeling just how old I actually am. It doesn't help that Emmett and Jasper have currently disappeared somewhere. I find that I am standing alone near the bar and quickly order myself another drink, this time stronger. I pound that one back just like I did with the first.

"I can make you forget about her." A feminine voice purrs into my ear.

Turning towards the sound I see a gorgeous blond, her striking blue eyes staring at me seductively. Her hand still rests on my arm, and a smirk forms on her full lips.

"What?" I say the alcohol and loud music making it hard for me to fully understand what is happening.

"I can make you forget about whoever she is." She nods her head towards my wedding band that is on display as I hold the cup tightly in my grip.

"Um." I am trying to turn her down but she cuts me off before I get a chance.

"Don't say no, just dance with me." She grabs my hand pulling me onto the dance floor and I sway surreptitiously as she grinds her ass into my crotch. I am feeling uncomfortable, but the alcohol in me is telling me to shut up and I can't stop it when I feel myself beginning to grow hard. The blond takes this in stride, looking back at me through her lashes and I find myself grinning at her stupidly.

Time seems to go in slow motion, yet before I know it I am being pushed up against the wall. The blonde thrusts her tongue into my mouth, and I am shocked that I find myself reciprocating. I am trying to push her away from me, but in my drunken state I find that I am, in fact, pulling her closer to me.

"I don't even know your name," I manage to garble while she licks my throat roughly.

"Tanya." She says before continuing to lick down my throat, her hands push up under my shirt. Her fingers lightly brush across the skin just below my belly button. I am painfully hard, and I feel myself twitch watching Tanya bite her lip as she removes one hand to fondle me through my jeans.

"Let's go to my place." Tanya grabs my hand yanking me out of the bar. The silent sounds coming from outside seem to be screaming louder then the music was inside. We are walking on the beach now, and she tells me that she's staying in a vacation home nearby.

She is still wearing her heels and falls into the sand. Giggling, she pulls me down on top of her when I reach down to try to help her up.

"Here is fine too," she whispers huskily, her hands on my belt buckle. I hover above her on my forearms, my breathing is heavy.

Taking the upper hand she pushes me back as she moves to straddle me. My hands are everywhere. In her hair, running up her smooth legs, fiddling with the zipper on the back of her dress. Tanya stops me, moving down to kneel between my legs. I prop myself up on my arms and watch her hands unbuckle my jeans this time. Slowly she slides the zipper down, staring back up at me seductively.

She is so close to giving me what I want when the image of dark curls and brown eyes flash up at me. I can hear Bella's giggles in my ears, and Tanyas don't compare as they compete against one another in my mind. Bella's touch is softer on my skin sending shivers throughout my entire body, while Tanyas make me feel primal and uncaring.

I want to vomit.

"Stop, please stop." I whisper, tears hanging desperately from my eyelashes.

Tanya looks up confused, she is unaware of the events that have just transpired. Realization hits her, but it doesn't deter her.

"No baby, I told you I could make you forget about her. Just let me work my magic." She tries again, her hands reach into my boxers, freeing me into the night air. I am still hard, and that fact makes me ashamed.

"No," I say again. Standing I tuck myself back into my pants before zipping them up. "You can't make me forget about her. I don't want to forget."

I leave her in the sand without even a glance back. I somehow manage to stumble back to the condo, the house is quiet and I imagine that everyone must be asleep. I barely make it to the bathroom in time before I vomit. Not from the alcohol but from the realization of what I let happen tonight; what I almost let happen. I almost cheated on my wife.

I sob into the toilet bowl, unable to even flush the remnants of the night away. Somehow I manage to sit back, the putrid smell no longer invading my senses.

Nobody is here to stop me. I reach into my pocket and write to Bella again. When my eyes close I am once again engulfed in dark curls and seductive giggles and I relish at being home. Somehow I manage to send the message before passing out completely on the bathroom floor from exhaustion.

_I thought I could drink you away. There was a girl at the bar who wanted to help me forget about you. But I can't. You are the only thing I want to remember. I'm so sorry._

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**Did you really think I was going to have Edward sleep with someone else a week and a half later? I know some of you wanted that, but that's just not how this Edward works.**


	6. Glimmer of Hope

**Thank you all for reading. I love all of your kind words and the speculations you have about what's going to happen. Hope I don't disappoint.**

**Also in case you are wondering or anything like me, I have made a playlist of the songs that have been on constant repeat since I've started writing. You can find it here: youtube{dot}com/playlist?list=PL1F712488CB4AB35E**

**Stephenie Meyers is the keeper of all souls.**

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Everyone seems to know about the debacle at the bar. All of them look at me with sad eyes for the next day and a half, and I am glad that our vacation is coming to a close soon. I try to avoid them all. I feel like an ass already without them there to remind me of how much I almost fucked up.

But Jasper manages to corner me the afternoon after the bar incident anyway. I cannot think of an excuse of why I'd have to leave so instead I sigh loudly before sitting on my bed. Jasper is leaning up against the door jam to my room.

"I sent Alice over one hundred text messages within the first week after she left."

I contemplate what he is saying, and I must admit I am shocked. I had been with him almost from the moment she had left and I wrack my brain trying to recall when he could've done that without us knowing. But maybe I hadn't known what to look for back then. Maybe I hadn't realized just how much the pain was eating away at every fiber of his being.

"She didn't respond to a single one."

The pain from his past is still in his eyes and I know that he understands what I am going through all to well. But unlike him I've only sent two so far. I imagine how bad it would feel to be ignored that many times. I think I understand why he has been so against me trying to contact Bella.

"How you handle this is your decision. But the more she ignores you, the more she seems unfeeling towards your feelings, the harder it's going to be."

I nod my head. I have not heard back from Bella and I know I cannot slip and text her again. I have already been driving myself nuts wondering what she must be thinking reading those. Does she roll her eyes? Does it make her sad at all to see what she has done? Does she even care? Has she ignored them to pay attention to someone else? To spend time with _him_? The last thought makes me feel angry, and empty, and cold.

Yes, I definitely will stop writing to Bella. The unknown is too hard to handle.

The next few days pass uneventfully. Rose and Alice even convince me to go back into town with them. There are no signs of Tanya and I am thankful because I am unsure of what I would say to her if I see her again.

This morning I am running on the beach. The beating of my heart seems to fall in time with my feet. This is a habit I have picked up while being here. I find that it helps with the anxiety. My muscles scream in ecstatic pain being pushed to the limit. Despite the constant dull ache in my chest I am doing well. I am even able to eat some now.

Today is our last day in Ventura. Stopping on the beach I look out at the ocean, the cool wind ruffles my hair almost playfully. The sky is overcast but it is still slightly warm. I will miss this, but I make a promise to myself to find something just as relaxing at home.

My phone is suddenly ringing. Digging my hand into my large sweatpants pocket I try to find it. I imagine it must be Alice, checking _again_ if I've packed everything. This thought alone makes me roll my eyes.

I answer the phone quickly, not wanting it to go to voicemail. Unable to check the caller ID I assume that nobody but Alice would want to call me.

"What." I answer more curtly than usual. The annoyance is apparent in my voice, but she has already called me five times since I left the house this morning.

"Um, Edward?" Bella's voice is like water and I am a man lost in the desert. "Are you there?" She questions after a few seconds when I don't respond.

"Yea, I'm here." I'm nervous this call is about the text messages I've sent her this past week.

"How's the beach." She's making small talk?

"It'd be better with you." I answer honestly. There is silence on the line and I worry that I am going to push her away again; overwhelming her with too much. "I'm sorry."

"I miss you." She finally admits after a long pause.

My heart is racing and I feel light headed. I imagine she is biting her bottom lip on the other side of the phone as she waits for me to respond.

"I love you." I counter.

"I can't do this anymore." I am unsure of what she means. She has already left me broken and shattered; or has she forgotten? Before I can ask her to clarify she has already answered the question on my mind. "I can't stay away from you anymore. It's too hard."

"What does this mean?" My voice is shaky. I will be beyond crushed should she change her mind now. I can't help it, my hopes are already soaring.

"I want to try." She says.

"Ok what about-?"

"He's nothing. _It's _nothing." She responds. I notice that she doesn't seem to be too upset that he's out of the picture which only adds to my growing hope.

"Okay." I repeat. I am at a loss for words.

"So maybe we can, um, see a counselor or something?" Is it possible that she is just as nervous as I am?

"I'll set it up." I promise, making a mental note to look up every marriage counselor on the planet the second this call is over.

"Okay, well just let me know when and where." Our interaction seems very business-like. The thought causes my heart to plummet as I wonder why it feels like she is being so distant despite the things she has been saying; her tone a contradiction to her words. "Edward?" Hearing her say my name has never been sweeter, and I realize that this is the best kind of torture.

"Yes?" My heart is beating sporadically. I pick at a string on the bottom of my shirt waiting for her to respond.

"I love you."

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**After reading all of your continued reviews I feel that some of you may be disappointed about this turn of events. Please let me know how you feel, and hopefully you stick with me.**


	7. A Truth Revealed

**Alright so first my HUGE apology for not updating sooner. Hubs has been running me rampant. Seriously. He's decided as a family we need to do a new diet which requires us to eat 6 times a day which means when i get off work and normally have WRITING time i've had COOKING time instead. Anyway now i'm here relaxing with my cup of mangosteen tea (seriously have some with me its so calming) and writing for you all. No Bella just yet in this chapter.**

**Also in case you guys didn't notice I do not have a beta. In all honesty I don't generally have the patience to wait that long to post something after I write it, so please forgive my errors. I cringe when I reread them and may possibly fix them...but I'd rather spend time writing future chapters :D**

**SM owns everything. I just own a cup of mangosteen tea and peach mango koolaid.**

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Each person reacts differently when I tell them the news. Emmet shakes his head in disdain and wonders aloud if it's because the other guy is bad in bed. Rose smacks him hard and looks at me for any signs of a breakdown, but I am too busy riding cloud nine.

Jasper smiles at me, and tells me that they will support me no matter what. I know that he is alluding to the idea that even after counseling Bella and I may not come out of this situation with our marriage intact.

It is Alice's outburst that surprises me the most.

"You are such a fucking idiot, Edward!" She screams. We all turn to stare at her. Alice's cheeks are bright red and her breathing is labored. "Do you ever stop to think maybe she doesn't deserve your forgiveness? Maybe she doesn't deserve your second chance?"

Before I can respond she is storming out of the room. Jasper casts me an apologetic shrug before chasing after her.

Rose asks Emmett to take the rest of the bags to the car. He is clearly not happy as he stomps his foot and mutters something I cannot hear under his breath. I watch as Rose cups the side of his face in her hand and whispers something to him. He looks down blushing slightly to kiss her. I feel like I am invading a personal moment, but before I can look away he has already grabbed the remainder of the bags.

Dropping my head into my hands I feel lost. Why does it have to feel like everything in my life is falling apart? Why do I constantly feel like I'm having to grasp at straws to find happiness with those I love.

"Don't let her get to you." Rose says, her hand resting on my shoulder.

"I just don't understand." I admit, shaking my head.

"It's not about you, Edward. It's about Bella. And it's even more about Alice." She admits. I watch her as she stares out the back window looking out at the sea.

"Bella and I going to counseling has to do with Alice?" I am beyond confused now.

"No. That is not what I meant. Sorry to be so vague." She sighs but sits down next to me on the couch. "When Alice left Jasper she spent most of her time with me. She kind of went crazy."

Nothing that Rose was telling me was new so far.

"I don't think you realize just how crazy. She would go to parties just to find one night stands. I picked her up from strangers houses more times than I care to remember. But she was convinced she was happy. She cut her hair short, dyed it crazy colors, and just became a party animal. Even though she was with me constantly I never felt like she was there. More times than not I felt more like I had no clue where she was."

"She was getting really bad and every time Jasper would send her a text she would roll her eyes and throw the phone at me. She laughed at how pathetic he was being. Part of me hated her. When I would talk to Emmett he would tell me small details of how Jasper was. I hated to think how much he was suffering while she was being such a bitch."

She was silent for a moment and I thought back to Jasper and Alice's breakup myself. Jasper was beside himself. He had no shame in openly sobbing in a supermarket because Alice used to buy him organic apples and the store didn't carry them. He was literally a broken man, and there were countless times I had to carry him out of somewhere to get him home. They were apart for almost a year, and it took nearly nine months before Jasper was okay enough to choose a brand of toilet paper by himself.

"Anyway, you must have told Bella how bad Jasper really was or something." She eyed me suspiciously, and I could only nod before she continued. "She came over to my house one day looking for Alice. Bella said she had been trying to reach her all day. Bella was livid. Seriously, I have never seen her so angry! Her nostrils were flaring and I thought she may've been able to kill someone with the looks she was giving everyone."

"She and Alice went into the spare room to talk. I couldn't hear most of it, but heard her yelling at Alice. I'm not entirely sure what was said, and neither talked about it again after that, but I'm pretty sure Bella was letting Alice know just how horrible she was being."

There was silence again while I processed this new information. I hadn't known Bella had gone to talk to Alice, but I knew exactly what event must have caused her blow up.

Jasper was finally starting to do well. He had begun to do things on his own again, and occasionally he even smiled. One day while waiting in line in a coffee shop Jasper just happened to glance out the window. There he saw Alice, fervently making out with a man he had never seen, before she shoved him into a cab.

Somehow he had managed to get himself to my house, looking for me. I had been out getting some takeout food for Bella and I. It was going to be our first true night alone since Alice and Jasper had split up. Bella took care of him until I got home. She had left shortly after, I had assumed to give Jasper and I some privacy while he broke down. Now all these years later I found out that she went to yell at Alice. I had to admit I felt slightly proud of that.

"I didn't know that." I finally said, but Rose just nodded her head.

"A couple of weeks after that Alice started talking to Jasper again. She admitted everything to him. He was so forgiving. You could tell he just wanted her back in his life. They saw someone, for a long time. But I don't have to tell you that, you already know."

Again I nodded. They had gone to months and months and months of therapy. Jasper had never been deterred by any of it though and was constantly just positive about the fact that he was going to have Alice back.

"Edward," Rose began again pulling me back from my thoughts, "Jasper may have forgiven Alice, but that doesn't mean Alice has forgiven herself. I think she sees a lot of Bella in herself, and now that Bella is the one inflicting all of the pain...well Alice is just having a hard time understanding how you guys can be so forgiving of us."

Rose smiled weakly and I swallowed the lump in my throat. It was strange but somehow I could understand what Alice felt. Bella had come to attack her, set her straight with whatever she said, and now Bella was doing nearly exactly the same thing.

Bella was being a hypocrite.

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**So what do you all think about what happened with Alice and Jasper? Would you be able to forgive yourself? Do you think Alice deserved the forgiveness Jasper had for her?**


	8. Car Ride

**I am SOOOO thankful I was able to get this written tonight. Normally I write in the wee hours of the night because I work the swing shift. They changed my schedule to regular hours this week which means I'm waking up super early. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to get you guys an update until next week! Will try to get one more this week hopefully, if not will make sure to get a few next week when my schedule goes back to normal. **

**SM owns everything. I just own copies of her work.**

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I climb into the car and wait uncomfortably for everyone else to join me. Jasper is talking to Alice, her arms are folded across her chest and every few seconds she glances over at me. Finally throwing up her hands she stomps over to the car before throwing herself into the seat next to me. She is reminding me of a child throwing a tantrum.

"Sorry about what I said," she mumbles.

I nod my head in acknowledgement but don't say anything. Everyone else shortly gets into the car and we began our awkward trip home.

We are two hours into the drive and everyone has fallen asleep, except for me because I am now driving. My chest constricts as every mile marker passes. My mind is racing a million miles a minute and I'm panicking. What if Bella changes her mind again? What if Alice is right and I really am making a huge mistake?

"I really am sorry you know." Alice chimes in from the backseat and I glance at her from the rearview mirror.

"It's okay." I answer not adding that maybe she is right.

"No, Edward, it's really not." She looks over at Jasper, shifting slightly to make sure that he truly is asleep. "I don't know what everyone has told you about when Jasper and I broke up, but I was really horrible."

The car is silent and I am unsure if I am supposed to respond or if there is more to this story.

"Really horrible." She finally whispers, and I notice that there are tears brimming her eyes. "I was being really self absorbed. I blamed everything on Jasper. Everyone was always telling us how young we were, and how much we were going to miss. At first I just laughed it off. I found my soulmate, what else could I possibly be 'missing'? But the more they said it the more I wondered."

"I found myself longing for the things my friends had: the late night parties, the freedom to hookup and experience new people, not feeling so _attached_ to someone. The more the fantasy builded the more I wanted it. So finally Jasper and I had a stupid little fight about something that I couldn't even have remembered five minutes later and I left him."

"At first it was like an adrenaline rush. I was so high on being by myself for once. For the first time I didn't have to worry about what Jasper would think or if he would want to do something. I started going to parties, and in the beginning I was just hanging out with my friends."

"What I didn't realize was what was on the other side of the coin. I could see things through my friends eyes. I envied the girls who had boyfriends. I would watch in the background while guys held girls close to them, their hand on their girlfriends hip whispering sweet things into her ear. I was jealous. I wanted that. And when I realized I _had_ that but gave it up I was so angry with myself. So I started acting out."

"It was so stupid and foolish, and as soon as I realized it I should have just gone and talked to Jasper. He would've understood. He would have forgiven me. Instead I started sleeping with anyone who would pay me attention. I hated the hold Jasper had on me. Hated how even when they touched me all I could imagine in my mind was Jasper."

"I was pretty much determined to self destruct...until Bella showed up. She told me how much I'd hurt Jasper. How much he was suffering. _'This isn't just about you Alice'_, she yelled at me. I hated her. I hated what she was saying to me. What she was telling me about Jasper. I was so angry I had to go see him. I was determined when I saw him I would feel nothing. He would be fine, and I would feel nothing and we both could just move on with our stupid little lives."

"When he opened that door..." Alice stopped talking and I glance at her in the mirror again, Jaspers hand is clutching her tightly as the tears spill over across her face. "He looked so different. He was like a shell of the man I had loved for so long. Jasper just stared at me for the longest time."

They are looking into one another's eyes and Jasper reaches up to brush away some of the tears. I feel like I am intruding on a personal moment but I can't seem to tear my eyes away. I need to know how this interaction ends; how it continues to work now.

"'_You've kept me waiting a long time'_, he said and he...he...smiled at me. I didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve his smile. Didn't deserve his love. I still don't."

Jasper is shaking his head in disagreement but Alice forges on.

"In my heart I felt so guilty. I told him everything, sparing him no tiny detail thinking if he knew what a monster I was, how truly horrible I had been he would tell me how much he hated me. I wanted him to hate me as much as I hated myself. _'None of that matters. You're here now'_. I don't know what I did to deserve you." Alice says to Jasper.

"You were born," he answers her and I feel my heart constrict at their display of such raw affection.

"How did you do it?" I ask him, I need to know his answer. Need to know how to proceed in my own life. "How did you forgive her?"

"Easy. It was easier to live with the pain of what she'd done then even the idea of being without her." Jaspers eyes move to mine. "And there was a lot of pain, Edward. Alice didn't just come back and everything was better. It took time. It took a lot of work, on both of our parts. But there was never a time it wasn't worth it."

The rest of the car ride is relatively quiet and I process everything that I have learned today. Bella was angry at Alice for hurting Jasper and being selfish but now she is basically doing the same thing. Jasper says Alice was always worth it, is Bella worth it? Before the question has finished crossing my mind I know she is. I would endure this pain a million times for her, even if every time it ended in my heartache.

Now the only thing I have to worry about: is it worth it to her?

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**Bella should be appearing next chapter. Let the counseling commence!**


	9. Moment of Truth

**FINALLY got a minute to write for you guys. This chapter has just been swimming in my head for ages. Thank you for your patience I LOVE you all. :)**

**Oh and I better put a disclaimer on this now: I am not now, nor have I ever been a licensed counselor/psychologist/etc. It was my dream at one point in time but never did I pursue it long enough for it to count as anything. I DO however have singular experience speaking with a licensed psychologist. Some of this is derived from that and the rest I'm just making up as I go along. No counseling in this story should be used to counsel your own relationship.**

**Stephenie Meyers created them, I am just a puppeteer.**

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Today is the day that I will see Bella again for the first time since the incident at the pharmacy.

I have never been so unsure of myself in my entire life. I have tried on five different shirts only to end up in the shirt I started with. I am unsure of what to do with my hair, however, with all of my anxiety I have managed to pull it so much that it's a tousled mess. I look worse than I did when I first crawled out of bed this morning.

I have picked up my phone over twenty times in the past hour determined to cancel, but the idea of life without Bella seizes me and I know that is not an option.

By the time I feel confident enough to be able to leave the house I realize that I am running late. The elevator seems to take an hour to get to me, but somehow I manage to make it with a minute to spare.

The receptionist nods at me to have a seat, letting me know that the previous appointment is going to run over a bit. Sitting down I attempt to calm my breathing. My heart is pounding in my ears and by the time it begins to quiet I realize that Bella isn't present.

Checking my phone I frown, Bella hasn't called or text me to say she would be late. Bella is not one for tardiness. Panic grips me; what if she's not coming?

Before I manage to get myself too worked up Bella comes bursting through the door. Her cheeks are red and I can tell she ran all the way here. Seeing me staring at her Bella stops in her tracks.

The receptionist stares at her expectantly, but Bella just points in my direction before making her way over to me. The waiting area is completely empty. I suddenly realize I am sitting in the middle of three chairs. Bella must've noticed this too because she sits in the single chair against the adjoining wall.

"Sorry I'm late." Her hands are clasped tightly in her lap and she smiles at me sheepishly before quickly looking away. I can tell she is avoiding looking at me and this fact causes me to sigh heavily. Leaning down I rest my elbows towards the end of my knees. My head falling into my hands for a moment before sitting up suddenly and for the umpteenth time today I am raking my fingers through my hair.

The silence between us is almost unbearable and I try to focus instead on the clicking of the receptionists keyboard. I wonder how it is humanly possible for anyone to type that fast, it sounds like she is just banging her hands repeatedly against the keys like a child.

Despite the loud distraction my eyes inadvertently wander over to Bella. I take the time to take in her appearance completely. Her long hair is down and flowing in soft waves around her shoulders. My fingers tingle with the urge to run through the silky strands and I grip my thighs to stop myself. Bella's cheeks are no longer bright red as they had been when she burst in, but still hold a soft pink in them. It is a nice contrast against her fair skin, this time one of my fingers reach out slightly yearning to brush the soft skin.

But it's her eyes that give her nerves away as they dart around the room trying to find anything to focus on but me. I can feel the dull ache of rejection in my chest, and instead of acknowledging it I continue to assess Bella's appearance. She is wearing blue jeans and a dark purple t-shirt. I realize I haven't seen her dressed so casually in the middle of the week in years. I wonder briefly if she's actually managed to convince herself to take a day off of work.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen?" A woman's voice cuts in and my heart palpitates at the names as I turn to look in that direction. "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting. Please come in."

Standing I hold my hand out signaling for Bella to go first. She blushes before moving briskly past me and I can't help but smile slightly at her reaction.

Inside the room there is a couch and a few chairs. Bella is standing just barely in the doorway and I can almost see the battle within her of where to sit. Making it easy for her I sit in a solitary chair and Bella perches on the end of the couch a few feet away from me.

"Sit wherever you'd like." The woman says smiling warmly. "Some people feel more comfortable on the couch, you know, the old stereotype! But some people prefer a chair."

Bella seems to relax at her words and we both wait for her to say something else.

"My name is Jessica Stanley. You must be Bella and Edward?" She doesn't wait for us to respond but we both nod anyway. "You can call me Jessica, but if you feel more comfortable with Dr. Stanley that's fine also. In case you haven't noticed I am all about comfort here. I want you both to know that this is a safe place for you. Anything that is said here will not leave this room. And yes, sometimes I will have singular sessions with each of you, as the occasion arises, and I will never disclose information with the other party that you do not want shared okay?"

We both nod again, and Jessica pauses for a moment giving us a chance to say something now. Glancing over at Bella I see her hands clasped together once again and I know she is not going to be saying anything.

"Alright than," Jessica interjects grabbing a pad of paper off of an end table by her own chair, "so it's fairly simple. We are going to do a 5 week trial period. I understand this is both of your first time and I am very aware that the first person you go to will not always be a good fit. I do try to ask that you commit to a 5 session trial period and if you feel uncomfortable or do not feel we all make a good fit for one another than I will be more than happy to recommend another one of my colleagues to you okay?"

"During these time periods I will give you a heads up before our next session of what we are going to be discussing. I do this so that you have time to think about what you want to say and don't necessarily feel put on the spot. Some people find it helpful to write down their response so they don't feel swayed or forget what they're going to say. I don't generally count this session in the 5 weeks. I consider this our getting to know one another session. So do either of you have any questions so far?"

"I think that's pretty straight forward." Bella says, and I only nod my head in agreement.

"Okay, well what I like to do next is speak to each one of you separately. After we speak you can leave if you'd like." Jessica says looking between the two of us for a volunteer.

"Ladies first," I say before standing up and walking out of the room. Closing the door behind me I sit back in my chair in the waiting room. It seems like an eternity that Bella is in there and I am wondering what they are possibly talking about.

Finally I hear the click of the door, and I stand to watch Bella walk out. She casts a quick glance in my direction before blushing and heading out the door. Jessica is standing in the doorway to her office, beckoning me to come inside.

"Hello again Edward."

"Hello."

"How are you doing today?"

"I've been better." I answer honestly.

"So basically I'm just trying to gauge where everyone is right now with everything, if that's alright with you?"

"You're the professional." I joke, but it comes out much more tense than I had planned. "Sorry."

"It's okay Edward. I know this is an uncomfortable situation to be in, but hopefully you feel comfortable enough here and with me to be able to be honest with me. Even if you tell me you don't think I'm the best fit for you and your situation."

She pauses waiting for a response again, but when I don't say anything she continues on.

"Let's just get straight to it. What are you expecting to get out of this?"

I am thrown off by her question and I can feel my forehead crease in thought. My mind immediately wanders to what Bella said, I am tempted to ask.

"Remember Edward, anything you say here will be kept private unless you choose to share it." It's almost as if she knew what I was thinking and I feel my face flush.

"I would like to save my marriage." I finally respond.

"That's good, can you be more specific?"

Taking a deep breath my hands suddenly feel very clammy and I rub them across my thighs attempting to dry them.

"I would like to repair the damage to mine and Bella's relationship. I would like to find out what happened that caused her to leave because honestly I'm not sure. I want a stronger relationship with Bella. I just want my wife back."

Jessica is nodding her head as she writes a few things down on her legal pad.

"Okay, and if that doesn't happen? Where would you like to be in your life?"

I am taken back by her question and I honestly am unsure how to answer.

"Do a lot of people's marriage still fail after getting counseling?" It is the only thing I can think of.

"Well, yes." Jessica answers me honestly, and I know my face must be one of shock because her voice softens as she continues. "That doesn't mean you two are going to be like that. It depends on you and Bella. You both have to put in your share of the work. It can't be a one sided process."

"What are we going to discuss next week?"

"I want you both to describe to me the first time you met."

"Okay." Is all I say before standing up. Brushing my pants off I turn towards the door and I am unsure of how Jessica feels that I am about to walk out of her session before she has dismissed me. Standing at the door my hand rests on the knob and I don't look back as I speak, too ashamed of my own words.

"If we don't work, I want to be able to go into our room again."

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**Yes I chose Jessica Stanley to be their counselor. Why? Because I imagine her the same as Anna Kendrick from 50/50. If you haven't seen that movie you should watch it. It's a great movie and she is spectacular in it!**

**Oh also I wanted to let you all know I wrote a one shot for a contest in case you're interested in checking it out. It is an anonymous contest but I am curious if you could find mine. I have read all of the entries and they are amazing! You should definitely check it out. fanfiction(dot)net/u/3958398/FicThisGifAnonContest**


	10. Soft Touches and Whispered Words

**Warning: sexual content may occur. Yes I expected those furrowed brows that I'm sure are occuring right now. Just read onwards.**

**SM made dreams, I just like to make people sad.**

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It is the middle of the week and only a couple of days before our next session with Jessica. I am proud of the fact that I have finished my assignment for the week. I even bought a special notebook just specifically for said assignments. Nobody in my life bothers to knock anymore so when I hear a knock on the door tonight it breaks me from my thoughts and I wonder who in the world it could be.

Pulling the door open I stare in shock at Bella looking up at me.

"Um, hi." She says awkwardly, wringing her hands together.

"Hey." I manage, leaning against the door and the frame for support.

"Angela needs the shoes I borrowed a few months ago and I forgot them here..." She sounds unsure of herself before she bites her bottom lip.

"Sure, sure." I say. I cannot stop staring at Bella and she clears her throat, her hands gesturing inside and I realize I am standing defensively in the doorway. "Oh right, sorry."

My face is heating into a blush and she whisks past me, heading straight into our bedroom. Now I am wringing my hands, pacing across the living room. What should I say to her when she comes back out? Will she even say anything to me or just leave?

I stop abruptly when I notice Bella is standing outside of our room now staring at me. There is an awkward silence and I can't seem to swallow the lump in my throat. My tongue feels thick, so instead of speaking I rub my hand across the back of my neck looking down at the floor.

"You haven't changed anything." She doesn't ask but states and I look up to see her glancing around.

"No." I respond and I wonder if she is alluding at my own behaviors as well.

"It doesn't even look like you've been in our room since I left." She chuckles awkwardly and I can't stop the tears that brim my eyes. "Oh Edward, I'm sorry."

I can't help but sniffle slightly, rubbing my thumb and forefinger against my eyes. Sighing, I finally manage to look up to notice that there are tears in Bella's own eyes.

"I'm sorry." She says again, and I know it's for more than just upsetting me, but I just shake my head because there is nothing that can be said. I expect her to leave, but am surprised when she moves towards me her eyes asking me for permission to come closer. She is standing in front of me now, her hands waiver minutely before resting on my chest.

"I'm sorry." She whispers once more, her lips a fraction from mine and I shiver feeling her breath against my face.

Wrapping my arms around her I pull her to me, our lips colliding together as one. Our tongues dance against one another and it is like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. My hands run up Bella's back before tangling in her soft hair. I groan when she whimpers against my lips. Tears are falling on my cheeks and I assume they are just mine until I open my eyes to see her own wet eyes staring back at me.

"Edward." She whispers, dropping her head against my chest. Placing my hand under her chin I raise her face up to look at me. Bella's eyes are wide and searching, and I take the opportunity to wipe the tears from her cheeks. I can hear her breath catch in her throat, the tears welling up once again but she shakes her head when I go to wipe the tears away again.

"After all I've done...," she starts to say but I cut her off by pressing my lips against hers once more.

"We'll get through this." I promise and in this moment I feel that we will. Her lips mesh with mine again and her movements become more frantic. Her fingers toy with the hem line of my shirt before finally ripping it off of me.

"Oh." Bella exclaims, her fingers lightly ghosting over my newly hardened stomach.

"I've started working out again." Is all I can think to say. Bella begins to pepper kisses along my chest until she is at eye level with my belt buckle. Her fingers slowly begin to undo it but I stop her. Looking up at me hurt is splashed across her face, but instead of explaining I sit her back against the couch.

Biting her bottom lip she allows me to slowly remove her jeans, and I groan when I see the lacy material between her legs. Kissing my way up her silky skin I listen to her shaky intake of breath.

In all of my time to reflect on my relationship with Bella I have realized how selfish I have been in so many aspects, especially in our sex life. Yet in this moment, my one opportunity, I want to show her that I can make this right. I can worship her like the goddess she is to me.

My thumbs hook into the sides of her panties and I slowly drag them down her legs. She looks so beautiful, and wet, and vulnerable in this moment. My tongue slowly drags across her slit and her fingers comb through my hair as she grabs a hold.

I take charge from there, spurred on by her moans and her hands that hold me in one particular spot. I cherish her, touching her deeply until she is crying out and writhing beneath me, her legs locked tightly around my head.

Bella's eyes are wild and hooded when she looks down at me, and she grabs my hand to drag me to the bedroom. Her legs are weak and I pick her up, delighting in her squeal before moving swiftly to the guest bedroom.

Stripping our remaining clothes off Bella pushes me back onto the bed. Crawling up the bed towards me she licks my tip teasingly before moving higher. Lining me up with her entrance she sinks slowly down onto me, her head falling back and a deep moan falling from her lips.

Watching her move on me I am overwhelmed by her swollen lips, and her hands that rest on my chest. Everything is moving far too fast for me, so I roll us over. Bella's eyes are surprised and I slowly move inside of her, memorizing everything about her face in this moment. Opening her eyes I can tell that my slow pace is driving her insane, and I can't help but capture her lips in my own. I can feel her trying to buck against me, but I don't allow her to have the upper hand. I want this moment to last forever.

"Stay with me." I say without thinking. Bella's eyes are bright and shining looking up into my own when she finally realizes what I am doing. A tear splashes onto her chest and only when her hands reach up to wipe beneath my eyes do I realize they are mine.

"Always." She whispers, and I shift slightly hitting a new spot. We stare into one another's eyes, the feeling of being lightheaded and tension beginning to fill us both but neither of us look away. When we climax together, my head falls into the crook of her neck as I inhale everything about her.

"I love you." I mumble, rolling off of her before falling into the deepest sleep that I've been in since she's left. My hands wrap protectively around her and I dream of soft touches and whispered words.

When I wake my arm reaches out instinctively and I notice there is a small smile on my lips. I frown when my fingers meet cold sheets, and I wonder if it was all a dream. Sitting up I rub the sleep from my eyes and notice a note resting on the pillow where Bella's head had been resting the night before.

_I'm sorry._

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**Yes there is a reason for this. You will see it in the future. Many of you are confused as to a few things and for that I am sorry, but since this story is only told in EPOV you can't really know until he does. Although I will say I think E's fear of their bedroom more stems from feeling like if he goes there with all of her stuff gone he will actually have to fully admit that Bella is actually gone and he's not ready to do that yet. Also there are no drugs or anything like that involved. But otherwise my lips are sealed. Oh yea and I think probably after I post the next couple of chapters I will post a BPOV of this chapter separately. So if you are interested in it you may want to put me on alert. Otherwise I will let you know when it's posted in an A/N.**

**Next chapter is therapy. We're going to go back to how this all started for a bit before we can go forward. Hope you stick with me and thanks everyone for reading!**


	11. First Encounter

**Thank you all for your reviews and taking the time to read this story.**

**SM created the puppets, I just like to pull their strings sometimes.**

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The next couple of days I manage not to make a complete ass of myself. I don't call Bella. I don't text her. Although everything in me is almost demanding me to find out what happened.

I want to scream into the phone and ask her why she had to drive the knife in further. I want to plead with her until she comes back. But it is knowing how weak I am that stops me, or maybe I am just too afraid to hear the truth.

Today is finally the day when we will see Jessica again. I am nervous. Will Bella act different after everything that has happened? Should I say something? Should I talk to Jessica about it in private or bring it up with Bella present? Should I talk about it at all?

Bella is already waiting in her same seat in Jessica's office when I arrive and I again sit in the lone chair. Leaning back I rest my head on my hand and Bella smiles slightly at me. She almost looks shy. I decide right then that I am not going to say anything about the other day.

Jessica is all smiles her eyes passing between Bella and I.

"How are you both doing?" I feel like a child sitting in the principal's office and I feel myself begin to sweat. Does she know something? What is she implying by asking this? I have to clear my throat a few times before I am able to say anything and even then I am only able to supply a one word answer. "Alright well I guess we'll just jump right in then, who would like to share first?"

"I will," I say before I can think. My palms are sweating as I turn the page on the notebook. "The first time I met Bella was our junior year of college. My roommate-slash-brother, Emmett, had been going on all day about some girl he met. Apparently she was apprehensive about coming over to a guys apartment alone so she agreed to come only if she could bring her best friend. He needed me as a kind of...buffer to keep her friend distracted so he could work his magic."

I laugh at the memory and look up to see Bella smiling a true smile and I continue on, letting us fall back in time with one another.

"_Edward please, I don't care what you do I just need some time alone with her and I don't want her friend interfering." Emmett pleaded. Leaning against the counter I brought the cool beer to my lips assessing the situation._

"_Alright, but you owe me."_

"_Whatever you want!" Emmett promised before running off, probably to stare at himself in the mirror for another hour. He was so pussy whipped by this girl and he'd only talked to her a couple of times. It wasn't long before the doorbell rang and I could hear Em cursing from the bathroom. How could he seriously still not be ready? _

"_Dude can you get that?" He shouted out to me which made me roll my eyes. He seriously wasn't going to come out and let them in? Some impression that would make. Opening the door I was greeted by a tall leggy blonde. This was definitely the girl he'd been talking about._

"_Welcome to our home," I said, stepping aside my arm outstretched in welcome._

"_Thanks, Bella come on!" The modelesque woman said pulling on her friends arm and I could see her roll her eyes before allowing herself to be dragged inside. "I'm Rosalie, by the way, and this is my best friend Bella."_

"_Hey." Was all I said, nodding my head in Bella's direction while I checked her out. She was a little shorter then I was with long brown hair. Her eyes were also brown and seemed to have a fire in them. The way she was sneering made her look like a bitch. _

"_Emmett!" Rosalie said before Emmett had wrapped her into his arms and they began making out furiously._

"_Great." I heard Bella mutter and I couldn't have agreed more. _

"_Beer?" I offered before taking another sip of my own._

"_Just to make one thing clear, we will not be hooking up, fucking, making out. In fact if you just keep about 5 feet between us at all times that'd be great." She sneered. Who the fuck was this bitch?_

"_I was just offering you a beer. Thought it might be easier to watch the fuckfest that we're both going to have to endure tonight." I countered, taken totally by surprise by her outburst._

"_I just wanted you to know what the ground rules were. And I'll take a beer, if you have anything worth drinking." _

"_Look, I'm just doing a favor for my friend here." I spat, it wasn't until I was nearly touching her that I realized I had moved closer to her. "As if I would ever go after someone as frigid as you." I said huskily. I didn't wait for her to say anything else before I turned and walked out of the room. Bitch could get her own beer._

_The next morning when I walked into the living room I was surprised to see tousled brown hair laid out on our couch. Peeking over the edge I saw Bella cuddled up, her arms wrapped tightly around her. She looked like she fucking freezing and I silently cursed Emmett for not being more hospitable towards her, and what kind of friend was Rosalie? _

_It wasn't until Bella moaned in her sleep that I realized I was staring at her. In her sleep she looked almost nice. The lips that had been drawn into a tight line last night looked like they were almost pouting and I fought the urge to brush my fingers across them. Her skin was cream colored, and she had a cute little button nose. When I saw her shiver I went into my room grabbing my own comforter off my bed before throwing it across her. Snuggling deep into my blanket I heard her inhale deeply, and suddenly her eyes popped open and the fire was back. _

"_Don't get any fucking ideas."_

"_You looked like you were freezing, I was just trying to be nice." I sighed, it was too damn early to be trying to fight with someone. _

_She sat silently on the couch while I moved around the kitchen getting ready to make coffee. It didn't escape my notice that she was still wrapped in my blanket and for whatever reason that made me happy. _

"_Coffee?" I offered._

_She shook her head, so instead I made up my own cup before settling at the end opposite end of the couch. _

"_Thank you." She said so softly I almost wasn't sure if I had heard her correctly._

"_No problem. I love Em, but I can't believe he was such a dick that he didn't even give you a blanket or a pillow. Does Rosalie do this to you often?"_

"_Not usually," she snorted shaking her head from what I imagined must be disbelief. _

"_By the way, I'm Edward." I introduced myself extending my hand to her. A smirk played on her lips as she looked between my hand and my face. _

"_Nice to meet you." She finally said grabbing my hand just when I was about to put my it down. Her fingers felt soft against my own and I suddenly didn't want to let her go. Her eyes shot down to our hands between us too and I knew she had to be feeling it too. She recovered from the initial shock pulling her hand back from my own and I marveled at the blush that spread across her fair skin. _

"Even if I didn't want to admit it to myself back then I think somehow I knew, that she would be the rest of my life." I finished, finally looking up at Jessica and Bella. The tears were running down Bella's face, and I couldn't help but reach out to her, brushing my thumbs beneath each eye wiping the tears away.

Bella opened her mouth and I thought for a moment she was going to say something, but instead she let out a deep breath. Looking over to Jessica I saw her watching us in reverence a small smile on her own lips.

"Well Bella, is there anything else you would like to add?" She asked while Bella just shook her head. "Okay then, next week we will talk about your first date."

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**Remember they were in college. It was their start and apparently both of them had a little fight in them in the beginning.**

**Would it be too much if instead of outtakes I do a companion story? You tell me which you'd prefer, outtakes or the entire story from BPOV. **


	12. Remembering

**Just so you all know I went to reread my work tonight to get back into the story and all the grammar and errors were driving me NUTS! So i fixed them as best I could. Oh and I try to respond to all reviews but in all honesty sometimes I just can't because I'll end up giving everything away. haha. But know that I appreciate you guys more than anything.**

**Also only one person responding about wanting outtakes or a companion story, i've decided I will do a BPOV of the entire story once this one is finished. It seems that now we've come this far she suddenly wants to tell me her side of the story. **

**As usual SM owns the world, I own a beat up computer.**

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I sit down to write out my assignment for our next appointment. I know I was asked to write about our first date but I can't help but think about how our first date came about.

After that first night Rosalie was over at our place constantly. Bella tagged along dutifully but after about a month and a half I knew that it wasn't just because Rosalie wanted her to. My suspicions were confirmed when Rose pulled me aside one night.

"Listen here, bucko," my eyebrow raised at her nickname for me but she waved her hand dismissing anything I might have had to say about it, "Bella isn't just coming around to keep me company, so don't you hurt her! And make a move already!"

My brother whisked her away shortly after that and I fought the urge to laugh. In one breath Rose had managed to threaten me and encourage me to date her best friend.

Glancing over at the couch Bella was already spread out and making herself comfortable as she channel surfed. We still had another hour before Jackass came on. It had become a ritual to hang out while Em and Rose bumped uglies for us to watch Jackass blaring.

"Don't forget the popcorn!" Bella called out just as I pulled the bag from the microwave.

"As if I'd forget." I said suddenly feeling nervous. How did I ask Bella out? Where would we go? My mind was going into overdrive while I mindlessly emptied the bag into a bowl.

"What took you so long, I thought I was going to starve!" Bella ranted melodramatically, tucking her legs underneath of her so I could sit on the couch beside her.

She was wearing sweats and a tank top tonight. We had all just finished the last of our finals for the year today, and Bella had told me all she wanted to do was relax and veg. Also it wasn't uncommon for her to spend the night on the couch when Rose stayed the night. I always made sure she had a pillow and a blanket now, even though I'd rather have her wrapped in my sheets.

"You're hardly going to starve." I retorted rolling my eyes.

"Are you calling me fat?" She demanded, her eyes narrowing. I liked her when she was feisty.

"If the shirt doesn't fit." I laughed at my own wit before being blindsided by a pillow.

"Oh shut up! You know I could run laps around you. I _have_ run laps around you!" She was right. Not only had she started sleeping on our couch, but often times when I left for my morning runs Bella would tag along. I hadn't known then just what it meant to run with Bella Swan.

"Alright, you win!" I conceded, turning my eyes towards the tv although I wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to it.

"Edward," Bella's voice finally cut in softly, making me look at her my brow furrowed. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"For...?" I had no idea what she thought she should be sorry about.

"The way I acted when we first met. I'm used to being dragged along with Rose. Guys usually expect me actually." She laughed before shaking her head. "I never even acknowledged whatever friend they left around to babysit me, at least, not until James. It's funny because he and I were actually talking before Rose and Royce started talking, but after we slept together he wanted nothing to do with me. Of course it didn't work out with Royce and Rose, but suddenly every guy after that just assumed they'd get lucky too."

"What a dick." Was all I could think to say as she shook her head.

"He was definitely trying to compensate for something," she giggled before blushing at her joke. "Anyway, I just wanted you to know that's why I was such a bitch the first time we met. Hope you don't hold it against me."

"Don't worry about it." I said and I meant it. We both turned our attention to the tv watching the cast of Jackass make complete idiots of themselves while we fell into our normal comfortable silence.

When a commercial came on my mind wandered back to what Rose had said and what Bella had just apologized for. Was she sorry because I had a shot? I didn't get to think about it too much before Bella squealed next to me. Standing up from the couch I looked around frantically trying to find out what had caused Bella to freak out.

"Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod!" Bella was nearly bouncing on the couch, her fists clenched together just below her chin. "I LOVE HER!"

My attention turned back to the screen before I started laughing hysterically. Britney Spears was on the screen, and Bella was apparently a HUGE fan. I calmed myself down enough in time to see that she was going to be in the area, and decided to take a chance.

"Wanna go?" I asked, watching Bella turn towards me with wide eyes.

"Uh YES! But there's no way we could get tickets, I'm sure it's sold out." The disappointment was written all over her face.

"If I can get us tickets, will you go with me?" I questioned again causing Bella's eyes to change when she realized that I was asking her on a date.

"You want to take me on a date...to see Britney Spears?" The way she said it made me want to laugh uncontrollably again, but I managed to contain myself with a huge grin on my face.

"If you'll say yes. I mean we spend so much time together, we may as well do something useful!" Internally I kicked myself for saying a Britney Spears concert would be useful for anything but laughing. Emmett and Jasper would never stop teasing me once I told them.

"If you can get us tickets, I'll go with you AND let you take me to dinner afterwards." Her eyes sparkled and I realized I would drop out of school and follow Britney around on tour with Bella to keep that sparkle there.

"Sounds like a deal."

I smile at the memory while my pen flies across the page. I am lost in a past world of giggles and whispers. Holding hands for the first time and first kisses. My heart flutters and I feel like I am that college boy again with a bright new path unfolding in front of me.

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**Yep Bella's a Britney fan. How many of you were a Britney fan? Or who was your favorite around the year 2000? Next chapter we get to hear about their first date!**


	13. Getting Closer

**Yes another chapter so soon! Yay me! haha. My continued love and thanks for all of your support.**

**Sorry this chapters a little bit shorter then normal**

**SM is the boss, I am just a minion.**

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The concert is chaos and I am surprised to see so many young teeny boppers, but I am even more surprised by their over zealous chaperones. They make Bella look tame in comparison as she screams and sings along to every song.

It is when she turns to me, tears streaming down her face as Britney leaves the stage that I am thankful this wasn't some N'Sync concert. I don't think I could console Bella with a straight face after looking at Justin's mop of hair.

Making our way out of the crowd I can feel Bella's small hand grasping mine tightly. When we are away from the mob of people Bella wraps her arms around my waist.

"Thank you. That must have been torture." She says nuzzling herself into my chest. All I can do is shake my head, dazzled with how beautiful Bella is when she's happy.

"What are you thinking about?" She asks me, looking up into my eyes. Her expression seems worried and my hand automatically reaches up to cup the side of her face.

"I want to kiss you." I finally admit before hearing her breath catch in her throat, but still she is leaning towards me...

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

My alarm clock on my phone blares making me sit up suddenly. Writing about our first date apparently made me dream about it also.

Wiping the drool from the side of my cheek I realize I fell asleep on my notebook. The crick in my neck is screaming at me, reminding me just how old I really am. No longer am I the young college boy that Bella fell in love with.

I stretch the best I can before heading out for my morning run. The air feels crisp against my face and it doesn't take long until I find my rhythm. My mind is normally a jumbled mess that silences itself more and more with every foot fall, but not today. Today my mind wanders away from me remembering my morning runs with Bella.

I can still picture the way her legs flexed beneath the tiny shorts she always wore despite what the weather may be, which were almost always covered by the baggy sweatshirt she would don. I loved watching her run ahead of me, her ponytail swaying in time to her hips movements.

I try to reel my mind back in, not wanting to be running around with a hard on and trying desperately to avoid making the ache in my chest any worse. I wonder briefly if I could go back into time if I would tell myself. If I knew what the outcome of us were going to be would I have done anything differently? Or would I still do it all the same to end up back here?

But it's too late to think about that now. There is no going back. Bella and I are either going to make it or break it in therapy. I'm hoping this will be something that we can look back on and laugh about, but there are times when I look into my future and all I can see is me all alone.

I make it back home with enough time to shower, and I relieve myself to the image of Bella running in front of me. I feel guilty for it, which confuses me. It seems no matter what I do these days I am feeling guilty for it.

Trying not to let it get to me I manage to get dressed and eat something before I have to leave. I make sure to grab my notebook, throwing it into the passenger's seat next to me before I head to Jessica's office.

Bella is already there when I arrive, waiting on her normal spot on the couch. Moving to sit in my normal chair Bella holds her hand up to stop me.

"Will you sit next to me?" She asks, patting the space beside her.

"Are you sure?" I feel nervous as I clutch the notebook tightly to my chest. I don't remember ever feeling so shy around anybody before in my life, so this anxiety I feel from it is new to me. The corner of her mouth twitches up into a smile.

"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure. If you're not comfortable with it, I understand." She says waiting for me to make my decision.

I decide to sit on the couch next to her, but stay on the far end. There is enough room between the two of us for another person and I watch her frown. She looks like she is going to say something about it but stops when Jessica enters the room.

A huge sigh escapes me, Bella's face looks hurt and Jessica is looking at me confused. I shake my head at Jessica indicating it's nothing, but inside I am thankful she showed up when she did. I want nothing more then to sit next to Bella but somehow I feel it's not right. I'm not ready just yet to feel so intimate and close to her again when I feel so far away from her still.

Jessica goes through her normal formalities and for once I take her up on the offer for something to drink, my mouth is suddenly bone dry. She smiles handing me the cup of water, and it almost seems like she is encouraging me. Could she possibly know how much I am struggling internally sitting here next to Bella?

"Bella, would you like to start this week?" I take a deep breath waiting to hear Bella's rendition of our first date. She smiles at me timidly before looking down into her own notebook.

"It all started at a Britney Spears concert..."

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**Oops sorry about the cliffie! :D Next up how Bella saw their first date.**


	14. Date Night

**Sorry for the delay!**

**Some of this will be a tad redundant to Edward's dream, sorry about that. This is all in Flashback Bella form (still being heard from Edward) unless otherwise noted.**

**All I have to say is: Stephenie Meyers.**

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When Edward asked me to the Britney Spears concert I didn't know if I should jump up and down or punch him in the face. So many people before him had made fun of me for liking her music. Having spent all of my spare time with Edward had somehow made me overlook that she would be so close and I couldn't seem to contain myself when the commercial came on.

I reluctantly agreed, because honestly I wanted to see if Edward could actually manage to get us tickets when they were undoubtedly sold out. When he came through I thought I would die from excitement. The concert was beyond amazing.

Before I knew it everyone was leaving while I clung to Edward, following while he maneuvered us through the hoards of people. Finally we broke free of the crowd. Edward's hand wrapped around my waist protectively causing my heart to flutter erratically.

"Thank you. That must have been torture." I said before burying my face into his shirt inhaling all that was Edward. I could feel him swaying slightly and looked up to see him shaking his head in disagreement. "What are you thinking about?"

Edward looked down at me and I wondered if he regretted being here with me. Maybe this was the worst date of his life. His hand moved up to cup my cheek and I couldn't help but rest against his warm skin.

"I want to kiss you." He admitted. My heart felt as though it were beating in my throat. Everything began to feel like it was in slow motion. I pushed myself up on tiptoes at the same time that he leaned down towards me. His warm breath was on my face when suddenly my back was drenched in water.

Spinning around I watched a garbage truck descending down the street, the puddle it had just driven through still rippling from the aftereffects. Turning back to Edward I watched him double over in laughter, not a drop of water on him. He had essentially used me as a human shield.

"Oh you think that's funny do you?" I demanded, my face was burning with rage. Turning quickly on my heel I stormed away from him.

"Bella, wait!" I heard behind me, but I made no effort to stop. Edward's arm gripped my own, turning me towards him. "I'm sorry."

He looked truly sorry, but it didn't deter me. I jumped down quickly from the curb, and Edward moved as if to grab for me at the same time that water cascaded down onto him.

Standing in the same puddle that had splashed me I smiled wickedly up at Edward. He blinked once before a mischievous grin crossed his own features.

"Now Edward, let's not be rash." I tried to reason, both hands out in front of me defensively while I slowly tried to back away from him.

"Run." Was Edward's only warning before pouncing towards me. Squealing I took off across the street with Edward close behind me. I stopped by the fountain in front of the movie theater to see Edward on the other side.

"Now Edward, we're both not too wet that we can't still go to dinner."

Edward just shook his head, continuing to move towards me. I squealed again when I felt the brick wall behind me. In one fell swoop Edward had reached me, grabbing me up before he flung me over his shoulder. A giggle escaped me and I watched the stone walkway beneath us until Edward stopped and I could see the edge of the fountain.

"Edward!" I managed to yelp before I was submerged entirely in the water. It couldn't have been more then two and a half to three feet deep tops, which meant I was completely underwater until just below my breats. I sat stunned, looking up to see Edward eyeing me cautiously now.

"I'm sorry," Edward was apologizing this time, and I realized I probably looked pissed.

"I cannot BELIEVE you did that!" I shouted.

"Let me help you out," Edward offered, extending his hand to me, his face full of worry.

"You are damn right you'll help me out!" I retorted, grabbing hold of his forearm and tugging roughly. Before he could realize what had happened he had splashed in beside me, and I couldn't contain my laughter any longer. My head was thrown back in amusement. I was unable to control my giggles as I stared up into the stars, the tips of my hair lightly brushing the top of the water.

"Truce," Edward said softly, hovering slightly above me and it was my first chance to see just how _good_ Edward looked wet. His face grew closer to mine and I could feel his body heat. My lips parted slightly in anticipation.

"HEY! What are you two doing in there?" A voice suddenly interrupted, a flashlight shining brightly in our face.

"Oh my god it's the fuzz!" Edward screamed. He sounded like a little girl and I couldn't help but laugh so hard that I was gripping my stomach.

"I'm going to pee in the fountain!" I exclaimed right before Edward grabbed my arm and hauled me onto dry land. With me still laughing, Edward pulled me into an alley before clamping his hand over my mouth and peeking around the corner.

"Edward," I mumbled beneath his fingers.

"Shhhhh!" He demanded, his eyes darting furtively around.

"What are you doing?" I managed to ask him in between gasps for air as I sought desperately to control myself. I hopped from foot to foot, trying not to pee my pants while I waited for him to respond, or give me the okay that we could get out of this alley.

"Bella, we almost just got arrested!" Edward exclaimed waving his arms around wildly.

"Edward, he was a security guard!" I erupted into a fit of laughter again.

"That dude totally had a gun!" Edward tried to retort while I stared at him. His clothes were all went now and clung to his skin. I watched as he pushed his hair back away from his face and the way his tongue darted out to wet his lips. He moved to go look around the corner again but I grabbed his arm, pulling him towards me.

"Don't worry about that; just kiss me." I demanded, my fingers wrapped into his hair pulling his face towards my own. Our lips were cold, but our tongues were hot as they collided together and I could feel both of our pulses racing before we finally broke away from one another.

"Whatever, I totally just saved your life," Edward mumbled, not ready yet to concede he had overreacted. The childish look on his face only made me start laughing again.

* * *

Bella looked up from her notebook, and I was pulled back into reality. She flashed me a smile, still trying to contain her laughter from that night, and I found myself grinning stupidly while shaking my head.

Jessica eyed us curiously, a huge grin on her face.

"Very good, very good," she murmured, writing a few things down in her notebook. I waited nervously to see what else she would say. Time seemed to pass slowly while the atmosphere changed from playful back to tense while I waited for Jessica to say anything else.

"Well that was really great, you both did wonderfully!" She exclaimed finally, clapping her pencil against her notebook. I wondered what she meant that we both did wonderfully, since I hadn't really done anything. She didn't elaborate any further, instead she stood indicating that our time was up.

"Next weeks assignment is to tell me the first time you said 'I Love You'."

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**Did I do okay with the fluff? A few more fluffy chapters, a little more back-story, and then back to the angst!**


	15. I Love You

**Stephenie Meyer. **

My days were full of waiting for the next appointment with Jessica, while my nights were consumed by memories of Bella. Too often I awoke in tears of frustration always waking before Bella could touch me, hold me, kiss me. It was a harsh reminder everyday of what was gone.

Back in Jessica's office, my leg bounced nervously while I waited. I was the first to arrive today, being alone had me on edge.

"Good morning," Jessica said, her usual cheery nature helped to calm me some, but seeing that Bella was running late had me nervous.

The sound of ticking seemed to taunt me. My thoughts raced while I mindlessly gnawed on my bottom lip. What if Bella wasn't coming? Had she changed her mind about trying to work things out? What if something had happened to her on the way over? My mind was in overdrive when suddenly Jessica's hand was on top of my knee, stilling my leg below.

"Edward?" Jessica's face was concerned as she slowly moved her hand away and sat back in her chair. "Bella called me earlier this morning, she is running a bit late."

I didn't know what to stay so instead I nodded my head in understanding, wringing my hands together while looking nervously around the room.

"Nervous?" Jessica asked, and I realized I was still nodding my head.

"Oh, um, yes. I'm sorry." I apologized. This was the first time the two of us had ever been alone together.

"Would you be more comfortable in the waiting room until Bella gets here?" She asked, and I smiled grateful she had such a caring nature.

"No, thank you. I'm just really nervous about reading today." I admitted and Jessica frowned slightly.

"Would you like me to have Bella share first?"

"NO!" I nearly shouted. "I mean, no. I _want _to share."

"Okay," Jessica smiled at me just as Bella came through the door.

"Sorry I'm late." Bella said apologetically, but she was only looking at me and I noted the huge grin that was now on my face.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Jessica asked her, moving as though she were going to stand.

"No, I brought my own water today. Thank you." Bella held up her own water bottle to prove she had it and Jessica settled back into her seat.

"Then we'll begin. Edward the floor is yours." Jessica smiled encouragingly at me while I opened my notebook and began.

Life with Bella was easy. I was used to spending all of my free time with her now. It didn't matter if we were studying or just watching something on TV. Everything felt natural. There was never an awkward moment, or a time when we were searching for something to talk about.

Laughter was like second nature to us and it seemed we could find the humor in nearly any situation. We had learned early how to work together. Bella ran with me in the mornings, even though she hated it, because she knew that I didn't like to go alone. In turn I would listen to any Britney Spears music with her. We even went to a few more concerts together.

It was when my brother and Rosalie broke up that I realized something had changed. Emmett was devastated and demanding that Jasper and I go out with him nearly ever night; no girls allowed. Not that it mattered much anyways. Rosalie was heart broken as well, even though she was the one who left Em, and Bella was by her side to see her through the tough times.

This meant there was hardly any time that we could spend together. Bella had started staying back at her place to watch funny movies and eat tons of ice cream. Which left me every night to cleaning up Emmett's puke and making sure he wasn't going to drown in it.

Every chance we could get we would call one another. Cell phones were just becoming popular, but neither one of us had one so we were stuck to using the home phone. More often then note we would miss one another.

Instead of straining our relationship in a negative way I found myself missing Bella even more. While Emmett drunkenly complained that he would never give up his partying bachelor life for any girl, I realized that I would. If Emmett cried, saying how much he missed Rose's hair, or eyes, or lips, all I could see in my mind was Bella. I missed running my fingers through her hair, or the way her eyes lit up when she saw me after a long day. All I wanted was to kiss her lips, and fall into the comfortable little world we had come to create.

Late one night Emmett was complaining that he needed some aspirin. It had been nearly a month since he and Rose had broken up and he finally decided that he was going to try to get sober. "Not for Rosalie" he had said, although Jasper and I knew that was exactly the reason. Due to his perpetual state of intoxication since their split he was now suffering from what was probably the worlds worst hangover.

After make sure that Jasper was okay by himself with Emmett I quietly left to run down to the corner market and get him something for the pain. Wearing my sweatshirt I hurried down the stairs as quickly as possible. Walking down the hall on the bottom floor I saw a small figure coming towards me. Suddenly it was like everything was in slow motion and my heart began to race when I realized who it was.

"EDWARD!" Bella called out to me, sprinting forward to close the gap between us.

"Bella," I whispered, crushing her closely to me. I didn't want a single gap of space between us.

Her tiny arms wrapped around my waist, squeezing me back tightly in response. One hand found it's way up into her hair, and I sighed down into the top of her head.

"God, I missed you," she murmured into my chest.

Looking down I found that she had moved slightly and was peeking up at me. Smiling I pushed her hair away from her face, tucking it safely behind her ear. My thumb ran over her bottom lip, causing her to kiss it lightly in response.

"God, I love you." Bella's face was one of shock when it registered in my mind what I had just said aloud. Opening my mouth I went to apologize for my outburst, but was unable to as Bella's lips collided against mine. One of her hands released its hold on my waist and she reached up, cupping my face. Bella pulled away slightly, our lips only millimeters apart.

"I love you." She said, her words brushing across my lips causing me to break out in goosebumps.

Pausing I tried to wipe away some of the tears I hadn't realized had begun to fall. Jessica handed me a tissue, and the room was silent while I tried to compose myself. Taking a deep breath I waited, I had nothing left to say.

"Edward, why does this make you cry?" Jessica asked softly.

"I don't know." I responded honestly. There were a million reasons it could make me cry, but it didn't seem like just one of them fit.

I was crying because it had been one of the best days of my life. I was crying because there may not be anymore days like that in my life. I was crying because it hurt; hurt to remember, hurt to try to move on. Sometimes, like right now, it even hurt to just breathe.

**Next chapter ahoy!**


	16. Is It Worth It

**Truthfully this chapter was entirely an accident. Went to write the last chapter and I just kept writing, reread it and realized it really should be more split up into two. **

**Sm owns twilight, i just read angsty fics.**

"Okay," Jessica said, not sounding completely like she wanted to move on. I could feel her stare on me but I refused to look up and I heard her sigh slightly before asking Bella, "Would you like to share?"

I couldn't look at Bella either, but could hear her quietly say there was nothing she wanted to add. I could hear another tissue being ripped from the box, and out of the corner of my eye watched Bella take it in her hand from Jessica.

"Alright, well I have a few questions I would like to ask you both. Would you like to take a break first or continue?"

"I don't need a break." I volunteered, if I stopped now I didn't know if I would be able to keep going after that little break down.

"Go ahead," Bella said timidly beside me, her hand clutching the tissue tightly.

"Since Edward shared let's start with you Bella. How did telling Edward you loved him for the first time make you feel?"

"Happy. Nothing had ever felt so right before. During the time when I was apart from Edward I thought I would go crazy. All I could think about was him. I knew I cared about him, but I didn't realize how much until I saw Rosalie so miserable. When I thought about it, I knew that I would be just as devastated if Edward and I were to switch places with them. I was actually going over to his place that night to tell him that I loved him."

I swallowed roughly, taking in this new information. Of all the years we'd been together she never told me that she had actually been coming over to tell me she loved me first. I had always just assumed she was just coming over because she missed me, but nothing more then that.

"Edward? How did you feel?"

"It felt right." I said slowly, trying to think of the right thing to say and then decided to just be perfectly honest. "Before seeing her in the hall it wasn't something I had honestly thought about telling her. But seeing her there, having her in my arms...I couldn't contain myself."

"How is your love different now?"

Bella and I both looked at one another, unsure of how to answer. Since Jessica hadn't called on either one of us in particular I figured it was for either of us to answer first.

"It's stronger now." Bella finally answered. Glancing over at her I could see a determined look on her face, and I wondered what exactly she meant."

"Can you elaborate please?"

"What we felt back then, it was infatuation. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful and romantic, but it was so very unrealistic. We had no idea what it meant to truly be in love."

"And you do now?" Jessica asked her, obviously curious to hear what Bella had to say. And I had to admit I was just as curious, wondering Bella was going with all of this.

"Loving Edward back then meant that I knew we studied well together and had a similar taste in bad television. Loving Edward now means wiping away tears when a family member dies, or celebrating when the other gets a promotion. It means knowing that Edward pulls on his hair when I piss him off, and runs his hands through it when he's nervous. It means know that if one of us falls, the other will be there to pick them back up."

I sat stunned by her words. Her definition of our love was such a contradiction to her leaving me. It didn't seem like Jessica was going to prod her further and I watched her nod her head in approval, her hand writing something on her pad before turning to me for my response.

"It's more complacent now." I answered truthfully. It was something I had been thinking about for a while.

"What do you mean?" Jessica again egged on.

"When we first met everything was exciting. We got to learn about what each of us liked and disliked. We got to tell stories about our lives to one another, and experience new things together."

"And now?" Jessica asked me again, and I realized I had stopped talking and instead was lost in thought.

"Now, we know pretty much everything about the other person. New adventures have become few and far between. The most exciting thing we do is go out for Chinese instead of Sushi on a Friday night. We know all about our pasts and the most exhilarating conversation we have is about what happened at work. It's not bad, but it's comfortable."

I paused, and looked up at Bella her brow was furrowed slightly and she seemed to be waiting eagerly to hear the rest of what I had to say. It was something I had been agonizing about since she left, and I knew I had to get it out. Here was the place where we could put all the cards on the table. Where we could begin to fix it.

"Sometimes, it's like there's not really any motivation to try anymore. I think that's a major area where I, personally, have failed. I had Bella, the woman of my dreams. I had the house, the car, the job. I didn't feel like I had to work for it anymore. I got _too_ complacent. And now...I've lost the most important thing in my life. I'm willing to do anything again, to get her back, but I don't know if it's too late."

Bella and I stared at one another, and I saw the tears pooled in her eyes, the tension felt heavy between us.

"You're both here now. It's not too late." Jessica finally said, breaking us from our thoughts. She gave us a moment to compose ourselves again before continuing. "Final question: thinking about that first time you said 'I love you', is your relationship worth fixing?"

"Yes," Bella said without hesitation.

"Yes," I echoed.

**See guys, Bella's not THAT bad...is she?**


	17. A Flash of Anger

**I think I scare my husband when I write during the day. I tend to pace and talk to myself, he was looking at me crazy. **

**Stephenie Meyers owns twilight, I own a dog who likes to try to eat bees.**

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Bella's words swirled around in my mind while I tried to grasp onto what she had been saying. She thought our love was worth fighting for, but she was perpetually running away from it. And now, after over a decade together I finally found out that she was coming to tell me she loved me first.

This shouldn't have been a big deal, but for some reason it was. It was nagging me. Something so little, so miniscule that she should have told me but didn't. Were there even bigger, more important things she wasn't telling me?

I didn't want to think about it all right now, knowing that I wouldn't be getting answers until next week. They may not even be next week, who knew when I would get answers. We were just following Jessica's slow process. A process that I didn't understand.

My emotions felt raw from everything we had been discussing the past few weeks and yet I didn't feel any closer to any answers. Didn't feel any closer to any sort of resolve, if anything I was feeling worse. Every moment of my life, awake or asleep were filled with thoughts of Bella and everything I had lost.

I was unsure where to go next. I couldn't go home to my empty hollow house. I didn't want to go see Emmett or Jasper. I was getting just as sick of them as they probably were of me. Instead I headed to a bar I passed often but never ventured into.

Ordering a beer I made my way into a back corner, seeking solace from the rest of the world. I tried to focus on the tiny tv, but my mind continued to wander. Lost in thought I wasn't sure how much time had passed when I realized that the world had grown dark outside.

"Edward." A rough voice said to me, and I turned in its direction to find a burly man with dark black hair waving at me.

"Jacob." I responded, nodding in his direction hoping that would be enough. Instead he seemed to take it as an invitation and slowly made his way over to me.

"Hey man, haven't seen you in a long time." He smiled, sliding into the seat across from me. I didn't know what to say, but he didn't seem phased by my silence and continued on. "How is everything?"

"Good, good." I answered warily, wondering what he was getting at.

"That's great man. So I don't know if Bells told you but I'm married now. My wife's name is Leah. We have a beautiful little daughter named Emily." He babbled on telling me about his life now. Leaning over he pulledl his wallet from his back pocket before shoving a picture in front of me.

"Good for you, Jacob." I said barely glancing at the photograph. I couldn't even pretend to be happy for him. Jacob seemed to sense my unease, the smile faltering on his face for a second. Sighing he ran his hands through his hair.

"Look man, I just wanted to apologize..." he started, but I held my hand up to cut him off. I didn't want to have this discussion right now, especially not here.

"Don't even worry about it, I forgave you a long time ago." I told him honestly, because I had.

"I've just always wanted to tell you, face to face, how bad I've felt all this time." His face was full of honest remorse, and I finally broke, smiling slightly at him.

"Thank you. It does mean a lot to me to hear you say that." Jacob just nodded his head at my words. The silence dragged on, both of us waiting for something to happen next.

"Alright man, well it was great catching up." He said, standing suddenly and holding his hand out for me to shake. I took it, and watched as he grinned widely seeing that my gesture truly was sincere before clapping me on the shoulder. "See you around, tell Bells I said hey!"

With that Jacob Black was gone, and I was once again drowning in the questions that were running through my mind.

* * *

Bella and I were both early to Jessica's this time. I sat in my original lone chair while Bella sat on the far end of the couch. Walking in I could see the look of confusion on Jessica's face, but she made her usual greetings sitting across from us preparing herself to hear about our wedding day.

"Bella, would you like to share?" She asked smiling at her.

"No." Bella said curtly, causing Jessica to look up suddenly from her notebook. Bella was obviously upset about something, but I couldn't care in that moment.

"Okay...Edward?"

"No." I answered, the annoyance apparent in my voice. Jessica's smile faltered and I immediately felt guilty, I wasn't trying to take my anger out on her. With a more serious look on her face Jessica sat back further in her seat, crossing her hands in her lap.

"Is there something you two would like to talk about first?"

"Edward, how could you forgive him?" Bella suddenly burst out, turning towards me. Her eyes were wild and her cheeks were flushed in anger.

"Why are you still talking to him?" I shot back, trying to control my own anger.

"He's my _friend_." She retorted, sounding exasperated. The same tone that was in her voice the day she left. This was not the first time we had fought about this.

"Your friend that you _fucked_." I seethed.

"We never had sex!" Bella was screaming now, her hands thrown up in the air.

"It doesn't matter, you kissed him!"

"You forgave him."

"Fuck, Bella, yes I forgave _him_."

"Why?" Tears streamed down her face despite her anger, and I couldn't control myself when I finally snapped.

"You want to know why Bella? Do you?" I yelled. I was standing now, pacing back and forth as I ran my hand across my forehead. "Because I _saw_ you Bella. I saw you kiss Jacob."

"And you never said anything to me?" She screamed, standing up from her own spot.

"No, I was waiting to see how long it would take _you_ to tell me! It took you two weeks. Two weeks!" I yelled, holding up two fingers. "I didn't know if you were ever going to tell me. How do you think that made me feel? To know that you would keep something like that from me for so long, and then you lied about it! You told me it had just happened, you didn't even have the decency to tell me the truth!"

"Edward, I didn't know. Please..." Bella gasped, crumpling back into her chair, but it was too late now. My blood was boiling and I was pissed. Pissed that Bella had left. Pissed that Bella still kept in contact with Jacob. Pissed that once again I was the idiot in the situation.

"You know what Bella, fucking forget it. You can have your stupid divorce. I'm done." I threw my hand up dismissively before walking out the door.

* * *

***peeks around corner***

**Tell me what you're thinking.**


	18. Collision

**Heard from a lot of new people after those last chapters! Thank you for all of your support and feedback. Seriously it helps drive me to write. **

**Stephenie Meyers had a dream, and I have neighbors who set off fireworks in the middle of the night.**

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Storming out of Jessica's office I practically ran into the parking lot before hopping into my car. Making sure to slam the door roughly behind me I jammed the car into drive. My speed was always an indication of my mood. Today: I was pissed. No I was beyond pissed; I was fuming.

The car seemed to whine in protests at my rough behavior towards it, but I ignored it's pleas to slow down. The stop light begged me not to throw caution to the wind. I made sure to flip it off, speeding through it carelessly.

I wanted to break something. My subconscious was a little more self preserving because before I could even think about where I was going I was already pulling into my house. Stomping into my home I couldn't help but pace restlessly, my mind going a million miles a minute.

Bella had been so mad. So incredibly angry with _me_ for forgiving Jacob. And who the hell was she to be angry? I had done no wrong, but she had yet again broken my trust. Broken her promise to me.

"FUCK!" I spat out, punching the wall angrily. A dark hole starred back at me, taunting me for more. Instead I leaned my forehead against the wall both of my hands bracing me on each side for support. Running my hands through my hair I tried to calm myself. What was I going to do?

Was I really going to just let Bella have this divorce? Give everything up so easily?

_She pushed you to this by constantly going back to Jacob_, my subconscious urged.

I couldn't deny it. Was I going to let something I said I had forgiven be the catalyst to end my marriage?

My mind automatically slipped back and I found myself reliving the moment. Despite the nausea in my stomach I allowed the memory to overtake me. That exact moment when I saw Bella kiss Jacob.

_Bella was supposed to be working late tonight. I had been disappointed when she told me since we had just gotten engaged a week prior. We had spent the entire week celebrating. We were letting everyone on the planet know that Bella was going to be Mrs. Edward Cullen. Tonight I wanted it to be just for us to celebrate, but now her works demands had put a damper on everything._

_Instead I devised a plan. I would make something for Bella for dinner, that wouldn't be ruined by going cold. I would have it all ready for her when she got home. Including even the ever cliche rose petals covering the bed. Maybe then she wouldn't be tired to still celebrate the way we had intended. _

_Smiling to myself I quietly jogged over to Bella's place. Turning the corner I was surprised to see Bella standing outside. My grin grew wider as I moved to sneak up on her. Maybe she had gotten off early. _

_Before I could reach her I watched two big arms wrap around her middle to embrace her. My heart was in my throat. When I could see the man who was hugging my fiance the anxiety in my chest lessened; it was just Jacob. _

_He was an old family friend of mine and Emmett's and had kindly agreed to help Bella and Rose get their apartment in order. The two were set to move out the next month. Rosalie was moving in with Emmett, their wedding was less than 2 weeks away. Bella, would be moving in with me of course. _

_Jacob was naturally an affectionate person, so I didn't feel too worried. Maybe he was congratulating her for our engagement. I even felt a bit of sympathy for him when Bella spun around smacking his hands away from her. _

_Looking back at her coyly, one of his hands still rested on her hip. Before it could register what was happening I watched Bella stand up on tiptoes. Her lips brushing Jacobs softly. I held my breath, waiting to see what was going to happen next. Instead of pushing her away, like a true friend would, her actions only seemed to incite him. His arms wrapped around her pulling the two closer together; their kiss deepening. _

_Just as quickly as they had come together, they broke apart. I stood motionless, watching their foreheads resting against together. Their chests rose and fell in time, both of them trying to catch their breath. His thumb ghosted over Bella's bottom lip. _My_ bottom lip. At the gesture a blush spread across her cheeks. _My _blush._

_Part of me wanted to go beat the shit out of Jacob, but I didn't. I wasn't ready for my whole world to come crashing down around me when I had just started building it up. I turned quietly, hoping neither one would see me, before disappearing into the shadows to head home._

_I waited that night. Expecting Bella to tell me that she was leaving me. Expecting her to tell me she wanted Jacob instead. Instead she was silent, acting like she always did. _

_The minutes passed and she talked about nothing but her day. Hours passed and she cracked jokes about lame tv. She wasn't going to tell me. The silence of what she wasn't saying seemed to be screaming at me, and I found myself unable to say much in response to her._

_Bella noticed my quiet mood, but when she prodded I told her I was tired from all of the excitement of the engagement. She hummed in agreement before cuddling into my side, my arm wrapped loosely around her. She fell asleep within a matter of minutes, but I was wide awake._

_I watched her for hours. She was so peaceful in sleep. Staring at her I searched for some sign that things had changed. Hoping to find answers. Hoping to see if Bella was going to tell me our marriage wasn't what she wanted but I found none. _

_As the dawn peeked out at me from under the blinds I finally found my answer. My name fell from Bella's lips and I reflexively pulled her closer to me. The word only incited more questions within me but I knew then she was the drug I would never be able to quit._

A knock on the door brought me back to the present. I angrily rubbed the tears from my cheeks. So much time had passed and yet the pain hadn't lessened. The rapping on the door grew louder; more impatient.

"Hold the fuck on," I grumbled too low for anybody on the other side to actually hear.

"Edward," her voice called out to me before the door was even open.

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**This story isn't over yet, still with me?**


	19. I Don't Know

**That last chapter was never intended to be a cliffhanger, but somehow my chapters have a way of multiplying. You guys are amazing...seriously. I do not have enough words, nor do I believe in long A/N's to be able to thank you all.**

**Stephenie Meyers created fireworks, I'm just going to watch some tomorrow with my family.**

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The silence between us was palpable as I stood in the doorway. But unlike the last time Bella would not be coming inside. Instead of moving to let her in I clung to the doorframe, my knuckles white from my tense grip.

"Edward? May I...," Bella questioned, her voice trailing off when I shook my head. I could feel my jaw clench, my teeth grinding together in irritation. I pulled the door closer to me to reinforce to her that I would not be letting her inside anytime soon. She was not allowed to invade my sanctuary this time.

"What do you want Bella?" My voice sounded more confident than I was feeling. Being unkind to Bella was unchartered territory for me.

"Please, let me explain." Bella was begging me, her hands grasped together almost like she was silently praying to some higher being that I may have mercy on her.

"Explain? Explain what Isabella?" I seethed, using the name I knew she hates. I really wasn't in the mood to talk. Maybe if she had given me more time to think. More time to process everything that had just happened.

"I'm sorry." I snorted at her response. That was an easy out and she knew it.

"That's rich. It's a little late to be sorry, don't ya think?" I shouted, flinching slightly when my own voice echoed back at me in anger.

"You're overreacting." Bella said softly but firmly. The tone in her voice making me feel like a child about to be reprimanded.

"I'm overreacting? Maybe you're underreacting! Did you ever think of that? Do all of your promises mean as little as the ones you've made to me? Or am I the only one you fuck over, _Isabella_? Did you make Jacob any promises that you couldn't keep? Did he have to hurt over you too?" I questioned, wondering if I was the only one worth hurting or if it was everybody else in her life also.

"That's not fair." Bella responded sadly shaking her head in disbelief. I watched her eyes fill with unshed tears.

"You kiss Jacob after you promised to be my wife and I'm being unfair? You waited to tell me it even happened, and when you did you lied about it. Is that me being unfair too? Or when you promised me you would never see him again, and I find out you two have been 'catching up', was I being unfair to you then? Or what about leaving without the slightest excuse. Is that Bella? Is that fair?" I said my voice suddenly calm, my eyebrows furrowed together as I spewed out question after question.

"Or maybe the fact that I have to cry myself to sleep every night is unfair to you, while you're off galavanting around. Maybe knowing that my brother and best friend had to practically bathe me because I was so useless, was when things started really being unfair to you. Or was it when you slept with me, telling me you loved me, and then just disappeared like nothing ever happened? Was that what was unfair?"

"No," she whispered so softly I almost couldn't hear her. A single tear fell onto her cheek, and I crossed my arms across my chest to keep from giving in and wiping it away. My body ached to comfort her, but instead I stood my ground.

"Can you tell me one thing Bella?" I asked, waiting for her to look up at me. "Did you leaving have anything to do with Jacob?"

"Edward, how can you ask me that?" Bella answered defensively, crossing her own arms in front of her. Staring into her eyes I listened to her soft sniffling, before she wiped the back of her hand across her nose. Wetting my bottom lip I tried again.

"Bella. Did you leaving having _anything_ to do with what happened between you and Jacob Black?" I reiterated, watching as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "Well?"

"Yes, but Edward you don't under..." She tried to answer but I held my hand up to stop her.

"I just have to know this now. If I had just let you go, and not ever text you the things I did, would you have ever tried to work things out with me?"

Bella let out a heavy sigh, still moving restlessly. Her eyes were looking at anything but me. The silence was enough of an answer, but I needed to hear it. Needed to have the words come from her own lips instead of my imagination nagging me with 'what ifs'.

"Bella. Please," I whispered desperately, the pain breaking through my angry facade, "would you have ever been willing to work things out with me without me pushing you to?"

"I don't know." Bella finally answered softly, looking up at me with fear filled eyes.

"I think you should go." I told her, my eyes closing to stop my own tears as I moved to close the door.

"Edward," Bella broke tears streaming down her face now as she tried to push at the door to get closer to me. "Not like this, please not like this."

"Bella, you need to leave." My voice caught in my throat, and I didn't know how much longer I would be able to hold myself together.

"Please, please don't do this Edward. Please." She sobbed, collapsing to the floor in a heap. I stood there watching her shoulders shake feeling my heart grow cold like had it when Bella had first walked out on me.

"I'm sorry, Bella." I whispered into the air, unwilling to touch her. Unwilling to go to her. Because I knew if I did try to comfort her right now I would give in to her. And I still had too much to think about. Still had too much to figure out. I moved to close the door but Bella's hand shot out, slapping against the wood. The sound stopping me dead in my tracks.

"We're going to get through this right? We're going to work through this just like everything else aren't we?" She pleaded. Looking up at me I could see the tears clinging to her dark lashes, the jagged lines from where the tears before had carved into her face.

"I don't know." I echoed her words, before shutting the door and locking the bolt. Because for the first time in our entire relationship I didn't know.

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**Bella will have her say. Just not today.**


	20. Getting Rid of Bella

**Stephenie Meyers owns everything.**

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I awake the next morning with a pounding in my head that screams in protest at the light peeking in from between the curtains. Rolling over I'm hit by the smell of something cooking and my stomach rolls in response. Sitting up suddenly I find myself panicked at the prospect of who may be out there cooking for me.

Before I can contemplate it any further the vile has risen to the back of my throat and I sprint to the bathroom just in time. I am rinsing my mouth out with water trying to ignore just how offending my breath seems to taste.

It is only after I splash water on my face that I realize where I am. The monogrammed hand towel stares back at me wondering where I've been. Dropping it as though it's burned me I back slowly out of the room.

I stare at the bed that is not the guest bed, my eyes unable to leave the unmade side. I slept here alone. I'm not sure if this makes me feel better or worse.

My eyes search frantically around the room and everything Bella is gone. Attempting to swallow the lump in my throat I step out into the living room. It is trashed to say the least.

"Looks like you had a wild night." Rose says way to loudly.

I rub the back of my neck grunting in reply.

"Where did you put all of the stuff?" She asks knowingly. It is then that I see that everything Bella is gone from this room too.

"What do you mean where did _I_ put it?" I scoff, maybe Bella took it all.

"I certainly didn't do anything with it. Besides you called Em last night and told him you got rid of Bella. All of Bella. I will admit he was a little worried you had murdered her and disposed of the body. Hence why I'm here to check on you." She says smiling one eyebrow cocked accusingly her spatula suspended in mid air while she waits for me to respond.

"I'm sure there would be more blood had I killed her." I respond dryly.

She only rolls her eyes before turning around to flip the bacon. I listen to it sizzling and wonder where I did put everything. There is not a single picture, knick-knack or anything around that may have had any influence from Bella. Unable to drum up any memories of the night before I begin to take stock in the damage instead.

The lamp hangs precariously on the edge of the end table, the shade bashed in on one side and slightly skewed. The ugly throw pillows that Bella picked out for the couch are slashed, bits of stuffing scattered around the room.

The glass coffee table has splinters leading up to the far right where the place of impact is apparent. I can almost picture myself stumbling backwards before losing my balance, my ass slamming into the table as I fall. There are shards of glass that litter the carpet against the wall and I realize I must have thrown the glass. Was it in frustration or anger?

"You really did a number on this place." Rose says standing beside me a plate extended out for me to take. I eye it warily, unsure if my stomach can handle it.

"Eat what you can," Rose encourages nudging out towards me, "I'll start cleaning up."

I want to protest, to tell her I'll clean it, but the look she gives me tells me she's not taking no for an answer.

"Thank you." I tell her because my gratitude is overflowing and my emotions are shot making me tear up.

"We're family." She says in a matter-of-fact tone like this should explain everything.

"I hope you don't feel like you have to choose just because Emmett is my brother." I tell her because Bella was her best friend before anything else.

"Bella chose for me. For all of us." She says refusing to look up at me as she gathers the glass up in the palm of her hand.

"What do you mean?" I had just assumed Alice and Rose were with her during all of this. It was how out was how it's supposed to work when something like this happens in our group.

"None of us have heard from her since before she left." Her voice had a hint of sadness to it and I realize I'm not the only one who is suffering the loss of Bella.

There are no words left to say so instead I watch her clean up my mess. Silently I begin to help her and nothing left is said between the two of us. She moves to go into the master bedroom, but I hold my hand up to stop her. This is my demon to face alone.

"You're a great friend, and a wonderful sister." I whisper to her, wrapping her into an embrace. Rose gasps, but hugs me back and I could swear I hear her sniffle. She pulls away from me and nothing is different but nothing is the same. I watch her walk towards the front door but before I can hear the door slam she turns around to face me.

"We're having dinner tomorrow at our house. Alice and Jasper will be there." She isn't asking me to come she's telling me. It doesn't matter anyway because even if she asked I would never tell her no. "Six o'clock, don't be late."

I take a deep breath, waiting a minute after she leaves as the quiet seeps around me. Before I can talk myself out if it I walk back into the master bedroom.

Everything looks the same but so foreign. Silent laughter from a time long ago echos off the walls, and I notice just how much dust has accumulated on the tops of things. I set to work, dusting and cleaning until the room doesn't look so neglected, but I can't manage to remove the vacant feeling from the room.

When I am covered in a sheen layer of sweat and there is nothing left to do it is then that I notice it. Bella's closet door is ajar. I walk over to the walk in closet, my hand resting on the knob and I am afraid of what I may find inside.

Opening the door I see stuff. All of the stuff that filled my house only a day before is crammed in here. Pictures are thrown haphazardly on the floor, and I see the frame with our wedding picture is cracked. Knick-knacks Bella picked up from trips and our adventures together over the years are scattered in here as well.

From what I can gather I grabbed everything and just piled it in here, no rhyme or reason. I wonder if I should pick this up, organize the things and store them away properly. But then my eyes meet the back of the closet and I can't do anything but slam the door.

The image of Bella's wedding dress, the only piece of clothing she left behind, is burned into my mind.

* * *

**So I don't imagine we have a long way left to go. I try to count out the chapters in my mind, and I anticipate maybe 5 or 6 more. But things have a tendency to change and Edward is kind of wordy so it may be more or less. **


	21. Moving Forward

**So this chapter has been in my head for a long, LONG time, but for some reason when it came to actually writing it I kind of struggled. Sorry for the delay.**

**SM had a movie made about her story, I just own every copy (so far)**

* * *

The next month passes relatively quick because I immerse myself completely into work. I wake before the sun rises and do not go to sleep until long after the sun is set. I burn the candles at both ends, as some people would say, finding anything in the world to distract me. I do not allow myself a second to think, because the pain is too much.

I do not go near Bella's closet the memories calling out to me, but I ignore them successfully. I do, however, continue to stay in our room. I find the courage not to sink my face into her pillow at night in search of her scent, even though I know Rose has cleaned the sheets. Regardless her side of the bed remains untouched, almost as though it's awaiting her return.

I run every morning before work and every night when I get home. Some days I only go around the block, just enough to get my heart racing. Other days I run until my legs are on fire and my lungs scream for oxygen. Everyday the anger inside of me festers, and I don't know where to put it.

Dinner at Rose and Emmett's becomes a regular occurrence once a week. Jasper and Alice join us on occasion, sometimes my parents do but regardless I am there. It is an unspoken thing. Rose doesn't even invite me anymore, but there is always a spot set for me at the table.

By the time the second month hits things feel better and worse at the same time. I am finally caught up on work and cannot hide in it anymore. There are mornings I wake up hugging Bella's pillow tightly to my chest, and the pain comes crashing down on me again. I don't want to miss her. I don't want to wake up with tears running down my face. I feel like a lost cause.

I found a boxing class and added it to my daily workout. I channel my anger into the punching bag. Sometimes I see Jacobs face, there are days I even see Bella's, but most days it is my own face. I pummel myself for being such an idiot. For falling in love. For getting hurt. For letting Bella go. It is a great release, but leaves me feeling raw and open when I am done.

Rose is very motherly towards me, and I am oddly accepting of it. We still always have dinner, and she makes sure to pack me leftovers to take for a couple of days at work. She no longer does my laundry or helps me clean. Rose never fails to chastise me for my poor work when she comes over, but I can see the satisfaction in her eyes as she tidies up.

Emmett keeps me preoccupied often, making me watch sports with him and taking me out with his friends. He is very light and fun to be around. Something I had forgotten about my brother after having lived with Bella for so long. I find myself laughing most of the time that I am around him, even if it's just at how silly he is.

Alice doesn't come around much anymore. Even though she had told me not to forgive Bella, it's almost as though she doesn't agree with me pushing her away either. When she does come around her smile is always sad and she never says much. It is something I am not used to and it confuses me.

Jasper is quiet like usual, but he is good to talk to. Great for deep conversations that Emmett may not fully be able to appreciate. Jasper comes to a few boxing classes with me, and when he knocks over the punching bag the first time I wonder who's face he is seeing.

The third month is the first time in a long time that I actually feel hopeful. The world is a place of unknown, yet I am scared and enthralled by it. I can imagine moving on, without Bella, and this makes me feel both sad and excited.

I go out, without anyone prodding me, or really knowing what I am doing. I mingle among strangers and am surprised when women try to talk to me. It amazes me how easily it is to smile with them. I am shocked at how nice the companionship feels after so long of relying on Bella to fill that part of me.

It is during these times that I realize just how distant we had truly been. I feel more connected with some of these strangers than I had with Bella in a long time. For that I feel remorse, because I know it was just as much my fault as it was hers. Maybe we had both given up towards the end.

Somehow I gather up the courage to get a few of these women's numbers and we talk a few times on the phone. I go on a couple of dates; holding out chairs and discovering the interests of someone new. None of them captivate me. For the first time in a long time I am okay being alone.

The sting of losing Bella is nearly non existent now. I do not tell Bella what I am going to do. She has been trying to contact me since the last time I saw her. At first it was too hard to talk to her. I didn't know what to say. I deleted any voicemail she left without listening to them. Now I just have nothing left to say to her.

It is at the end of the third month that I file the divorce papers.

* * *

**Some of you have told me you don't want to read if Edward and Bella aren't going to be together, others of you have said you want Edward and Bella to stay apart. Is everyone still feeling the same now that the papers have been filed?**


	22. Hear Me Out

**I really should go to bed...**

**Stephenie Meyers, the ever reigning master.**

* * *

It is raining but I decide to go running anyway. The feeling of the cool rain against my warm skin feels heavenly and I hope I am not punished for enjoying it this way by getting sick later. Jogging up to my front door I freeze when I see Bella sitting on the front stoop. Her head is covered with the hood of a sweatshirt and for a moment all I see is the girl I fell in love with.

Finding my courage I move towards her. She finally notices me and scoots over enough for me to sit next to her, a manilla envelope clutched to her chest. Looking up at me I can see her eyes red and puffy from crying.

"You filed the papers." She says, but I don't say anything because I don't need to.

"So that's it?" Her voice is hollow.

"This is what you wanted." I throw back at her, but she doesn't flinch at my words.

"Okay. Can I just say something first? Before you decide?" My forehead creases because I'm not sure what she means 'before you decide'. Wasn't filing the papers an indication of my decision? She takes my silence as an indication to continue.

"I just want you to know that was the first and _only_ time Jake and I ever kissed. I can only imagine now how it must have looked." She shakes her head and little drops of water fly off of her hair landing on my arm.

"'_You're sure you're not settling for Edward?_' he kept asking me. He bugged me that whole week he was helping us get things ready to move. '_I'm not settling._' I tried to assure him. And that day he just wouldn't leave me alone..._'Kiss me, and don't let it mean anything.'_" I look up when she is silent and watch her wipe away a few tears.

"And when I kissed him it didn't mean anything. He pulled me close to him, and rested his forehead against mine. I let him because all I could think of was you and I could hardly breathe. I was so afraid to tell you. What if you didn't want to marry me? What if you couldn't love me anymore?" She's looking at me now, her body facing towards me her fingers crinkling the manila envelope under her tight grip.

"Jacob was convinced it meant something to me and I just didn't want to admit it. He was fooling himself. He was jealous of what we..._had_, and he wanted it for himself. I tried everything to convince him that it meant nothing to me. That's why it took me so long to tell you. He told me if I did he would tell you that it was more than just a kiss. At one point he even threatened to say that I was the one who came onto him. Had I known you'd seen..." Her voice trailed off and I thought of how different things could have been.

"But then you said you forgave me. You forgave me and I didn't understand how I could hurt you so badly and you could just forgive me. I was so mad at myself. The first fight we had after that you brought up me kissing Jacob. I knew I deserved it, I felt I deserved it. Even after the next fight, I knew I deserved the harsh things you said."

I knew it was going to take time to gain even some of your trust back, but I was willing to work at it. I took your insults in stride, thinking that you were just angry and needed to get it out of your system. But it wasn't just a few fights, it was every fight." She turns back away, tilting her head back to look up into the sky. Maybe she is letting the rain wash away her tears.

"Every fight after Jake and I kissed you found a reason to bring him into our fights. And soon, you were even bringing him into small arguments. I could forget to pick up milk and you would ask me how Jacob was. It got to a point where I felt like maybe I should do something just so you'd at least have reason to say such mean things."

"When Jacob contacted me it was completely out of the blue. He wanted to apologize to me. To us, about what happened back then. As soon as I mentioned Jacob's name you completely shut down, and I was so angry with you that I saw him anyway. It was stupid and childish and then I felt so guilty for seeing him behind your back that I told you."

Bella stopped talking, she didn't need to tell me the rest. I could hear the echos of my words as I shouted at her, calling her cruel names.

"And you know that the last time I saw him was a complete accident. I ran into him in a _grocery store_, what was I supposed to do ask him not to shop there? Go out of my way to buy groceries somewhere else? He told me he had met a girl, and he could finally have what we have..."

"But by that time I was just so angry, Edward. For so many years I have been punished for my one mistake. For so many years I have tried to make up for it. But nothing I did was ever enough for you. And then I found out while we were seeing Jessica that you forgave Jacob. You didn't yell at him. You didn't punch him. You just...forgave him. Truly forgave him. Why can you forgive him and not me?" Her voice is strained now, and I can't even look into her face because I don't know how to answer her.

The silence between us is deafening and finally Bella relents, sighing as she stands.

"I signed the papers, you've heard my piece. If you don't want to fix this...I can't hold onto us anymore." She drops the manila envelope into my lap before disappearing into the grey. The weight of the papers is enough to make me suffocate. For the first time since I filed them I feel unsure.

* * *

**Maybe there's still hope for them yet?**


	23. Reaching Out

**A lot of you took Bella's side after she told her story, which I found very interesting when so many of you were ready to lynch her at the beginning.**

**Stephenie Meyers created a story loved by millions, I am just a devoted fan.**

* * *

Going into the house it doesn't bother me that I am tainting the carpet with my dirty shoes while muddy brown footsteps follow me down the hall. I trudge into the master bedroom and stand staring at Bella's closed closet door. Pushing my fingertips into my eyes I want to scream and pull at my hair.

I want to open the door.

Before I realize what I am doing I find myself standing in front of it, my hand hovering over the knob. I am unable to twist it open, afraid of what I will see inside. Instead I stand with my other hand pressed up against the door.

It is almost as though I can feel the warmth of the memories through the wood. They call to me, beckoning me to come inside and be lost to them. It takes all of my strength not to turn the knob because I don't know what damage the reminders will do to me.

My forehead hits the door with a thud that I can hear echo in the tiny space. I can't hold in my sigh of defeat before fishing my phone out of my pocket. My finger hovers over the number I thought I would never have to call again.

"We need to talk." My voice is cracked and hoarse almost as if I've been crying although my cheeks are void of tears.

"I'll see you soon." Her gentle voice responds, giving me a false sense of security. I don't pull the phone away even after I hear the click on the other end.

Finally I find some of the strength of the man I was outside and manage to drag myself away from the room. Opening the front door I see the rain has stopped, but the sun stays hidden behind the dark masses of clouds. Shoving my hands into my pockets I head out.

I take in the smells of wet earth and dirty streets. The vegetation looks greener against the gray glow from the storm. The colors of the world seem so much brighter after a storm that it is almost magical; in an ominous way.

My mind is blank, not even registering the passing of time. It is only when I am standing in front of Jessica's office that I realize just how far I've actually come. I stare at the peeling decals on the window for a moment. Yanking the door open I enter, surrounded by a familiar environment that now makes me feel anxious without Bella there with me. Before the receptionist can even open her mouth Jessica's door is already wide open with her standing on the other side waiting for me to come in.

"Edward, you got here quicker than I thought." She sits down in her usual spot, foregoing asking me if I would like anything to drink.

"You have to fix this." Jessica purses her lips and her eyes narrow as she looks into my face for a moment, contemplating my words.

"Fix what exactly?" She prompts me finally, sitting back into her chair.

"I don't know, all of this." I wave my arm around like the mess of my life is laying in pieces in front of us like a jigsaw puzzle.

"Edward, it's not that easy." She cocks her head at me. I cringe when her eyes meet mine and all I can find in them are pity.

"Why? Why can't it be that easy?" I demand.

"Because I am not an answer. I can help guide you, help you see your own path and decisions more clearly, but I cannot decide for you. You have to know what it is you want." I am silent while I contemplate her words.

"Can you help me figure out what I want?" I feel lost in a world full of emotions and problems. I thought the one person who could fix this, fix me, would be my therapist.

"Of course I can help you figure it out. But ultimately what you decide, and how you live your life is up to you. I am just a tool to help you along." Her smile is gentle but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"Do you have any time now?" I ask, because I have just kind of pushed my way in here and I have no idea if am keeping her from anyone else.

"My appointment cancelled on me last minute, and they were the last of the day." Looking around the room I nod, suddenly feeling nervous and unsure of what to say next. Sensing my unease Jessica leans forward resting on elbow on her knee before perching her chin in her hand.

"So tell me, what triggered you into calling me today?" My thoughts flash back to Bella on my porch in the rain.

"I filed the divorce papers a few weeks ago," Jessica nods her head but doesn't look surprised, "Bella came to see me."

"How did that go?" Biting the inside of my cheek I look down at my hands.

"She was upset, which is understandable. She told me her side of what happened with Jake. It's not...," My eyes shoot up and meet Jessica's while she waits patiently for me to finish, "it wasn't what I thought."

"How did hearing her side of things make you feel?" At some point Jessica has grabbed a notepad, I watch while she scratches something onto the yellow sheets. Her pen stills, eyebrows raised as she looks at me.

"Like shit. She made me realize that I've been hurting her for years. For _years._" My fists clench together tightly in anger.

"You seem angry at this. Are you angry at yourself or at Bella?" Both. I feel both.

"I'm angry at myself. For being such a shitty husband and not realizing what I was doing or how I was making her feel before it came to this. But I'm angry at Bella, because she's been letting me do this for years and she has never said a word."

"Both of those feelings are understandable Edward. Overtime we can address and help you with the anger you have with yourself. Maybe one day we can get Bella in here to address your anger with her?" I cross my arms in front of my chest, I understand what Jessica is asking.

"I'm not sure about that." I finally say.

"I was under the impression that you were both coming here to resolve your issues together. To help you two work on your relationship, has that changed?" She has a point, and seeing Jessica was my idea. But I thought now with everything that had come to light, with me filing the divorce papers, that the dynamic of everything had changed.

"Maybe she won't want to come." Is all I can think to say, and even I know my excuse is weak.

"It's not up for you to decide what she wants or doesn't want. Do _you_ want her to?" My tongue feels thick in my mouth.

"I don't know."

* * *

**Was not planning any kind of therapy with Jessica initially but after everything I think he'll need it, and Bella, and the two of them together...I mean you know, if they work things out or not.**


	24. Memories

**Have had to reevaluate a few things in this story since the characters changed things up on me. Sorry for the delay!**

* * *

I spend the next two months twice a week in Jessica's office. During our sessions I find myself constantly questioning everything, a few times I even consider quitting all together.

There are things in my life I feel have obvious answers. When Jessica asks me about them I find myself questioning her ability as a therapist and my decision to see her. Her asinine questions enrage me, but she continues to ask them anyway until I am finally forced to answer them.

But when I'm asked why I love Bella I find that the answer isn't quite as cut and dry as I had originally though. I find myself wondering if maybe Bella had a hard time seeing the answer herself when I kept everything in our lives so vague.

I find myself full of anger and rage throughout the weeks but when that finally subsides I find that I am more disappointed with myself than anything. How could I have let things get so bad?

The more we talk it becomes clear to me exactly the failure I have become; to myself and to Bella. Jessica never lets me self loathe too long, she said we are here to repair not cause more damage. I am surprised the day that I admit that I still want Bella. I still _need_ Bella.

When I get home that day I stand in front of the closet that was once Bella's that is now riddled with our memories thanks to me. Opening the door I step over the things before I nestle into the back of the closet, trapping myself between the memories, forcing me to remember.

The first thing I pick up is a picture of the two of us at our wedding reception. Bella looks like the cat who ate the canary while my mouth is open in what appears to be protest. We are each holding a piece of cake. Closing my eyes I remember that moment.

_I am bargaining with Bella to not shove the small piece of cake into my face. People around us are taking sides, her dad is telling her to do it but my mom is begging her not to ruin her beautiful dress. And even though I know what is about to happen I can't seem to mind because the smile on her face takes my breath away. Before I have a chance to protect myself the cake is up my nose making it hard to breath. Instinctively my arm shoots out shoving cake back at her. Although I am hiding behind my arm in case she decides to retaliate I hear her giggles and I think I even hear her snort. _

_Glancing up I see that I've only managed to get a small smudge on the side of her cheek and on the corner of her mouth. She throws her head back in laughter upon seeing me and I can't help but pull her close to me. Bringing our lips together all I can taste are Bella and cake. _

Opening my eyes I look back down into the pile wondering if that picture is hidden somewhere also. Placing the memory to the side I reach back into the pile, inspecting any damage I may have caused in my drunkenness. My forehead creases when my fingers hit something soft yet cold. Looking more closely I realize that it is a necklace that I had given to Bella. The chain is twisted and snarled but my large fingers begin to try to untangle the mess I've made. Biting my bottom lip while I work my mind begins to wander back to the night I had given it to Bella.

_Running my hands through my hair I exhaled shakily, tonight was mine and Bella's one year anniversary. Ever since I had decided on her gift I had felt nervous. What if it wasn't enough?_

_We had promised one another that we wouldn't do anything too extravagant. Though we had planned on being more stable by now, times were still tight. Plus it was a Wednesday night and we both had to work. My knee bounced up and down nervously while I waited for Bella to arrive._

_Finally the door creaked open as Bella walked in flopping onto our second hand couch in our dingy apartment. I watched her kick of her shoes before throwing herself back into the cushions, tiny wisps of hair settled around her face._

"_I hate my job!" She groaned, throwing one arm over her face._

"_So get a new one." I had been telling her for ages, it had become our normal routine._

"_Eventually," her tone softened as a small smile played on her lips, "can we just take a relaxing bath together tonight?"_

"_That sounds great, but can I give you your present first?" I asked, quirking one eyebrow._

"_What?! Edward we said we weren't going to do anything." She moaned sitting up suddenly._

"_We said we wouldn't do anything _extravagant_, but did you really think I wouldn't do anything for you?" I asked her earnestly._

"_But I didn't get you anything." I watched her bottom lip stick out in a pout. I wanted to suck it into my mouth._

"_You don't have to get me anything." I told her, because her loving me was enough._

"_Why does this seem like a double standard?" She argued, her hands resting on her hips._

"_Bella, just open my gift already!" I laughed, shoving the small box at her._

"_Jewelry?! How is that not extravagant?" She rolled her eyes but continued lifting the lid on the box._

_It felt like she was silent for all too long and I suddenly felt the need to explain._

"_It was a skeleton key of my grandmothers. It's nothing fancy, I found it when I was helping mom clean some old stuff up. I've just seen girls wearing keys and stuff, I guess it's the new fad. You know to symbolize that you have the key to my heart and all," I laughed timidly before clearing my throat, "plus the top kind of looks like the sign for infinity so I thought it symbolized forever and everything. Or I guess it looks like an 8. This was a stupid idea. Do you hate it? You hate it..."_

"_Edward," Bella's voice finally broke my rambling. Looking up I watched a tear slip down her cheek before I reflexively wiped it away, "it's perfect."_

Finally managing to untangle the chain I can't help but rub my thumb over the key a few times. Closing my eyes I can remember the way Bella's heart beat erratically as I latched it around her neck. She wore it everyday until her skin finally turned black from the metal.

Suddenly I am feeling drained by all of the emotions. Getting up I leave a still scattered mess on the floor but I leave the door open. Laying on our bed I close my eyes and for the first time in months I allow myself to miss Bella.

* * *

**So this story is going to be a few chapters longer than I had anticipated hope you won't mind. And again thank you all for your continued love and support! Eventually I will respond to all of your reviews, but if I did it now it would eat up the little free time I do have to write. **


	25. Growth

**I hope I'm not disappointing anyone but this looks like this is going to be the last chapter and then there will be an epi. After this I may take a short break but then I will start writing Leaving Edward, BPOV of this story so stick with me and you can get her side as well as a few other outtakes I have planned. I had thought this story would go longer after Edward started going back to Jessica and whatnot but when I sat down to write this chapter it just seemed final...and right.**

**Perfect song to listen to while reading this chapter: Hard to Love by Lee Brice**

**Hope this lived up to all of your expectations. **

Taking a deep breath I rap three times on the wooden door. It is only a matter of moments before it opens with a groan and I am face to face with an angry woman.

"Angela." I acknowledge.

"Edward," her voice is curt as she hugs the door closer to her side.

"I need to talk to Bella." I try not to beg, getting the feeling like I am a child again asking if she is allowed to come out and play.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Angela says quietly, her eyes darting sideways and I can tell she is trying to keep my visit a secret.

"Please, just tell her that I am out here. If she doesn't want me here, I'll leave." I promise her, because we are all adults here and Angela knows this, but maybe she just needs a reminder.

"Fine," she huffs before disappearing into the house leaving the door cracked slightly. From what I can see from the porch nothing of her house has changed since Ben left.

I don't blame Angela for being such a protective friend, especially after everything that has happened. I know that she is trying to keep Bella from getting hurt while she, herself, is perpetually suffering since Ben left her for his secretary two years ago.

When Bella comes into view I feel my pulse quicken, and I try to swallow down the butterflies in my stomach.

"What are you doing here?" She asks me softly, stepping out on the porch, forcing me to take a step backwards, before closing the door firmly behind her.

I can almost feel Angela peeking out at us from the window, but I force myself not to look at her but at Bella instead. I watch her wrap her arms around herself protectively, her forehead creased in the middle while she waits for my answer.

"I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some coffee, or we can do anything really, whatever you want. Maybe we can talk." I ask nervously, running my hand along the back of my neck.

"Edward?" Bella's voice sounds confused, but I cut her off before she can continue. Somehow I feel like I am going about this all wrong.

"I never filed the divorce papers." Bella's eyes narrow, and her mouth opens once like she is going to say something but she doesn't.

We both stand staring at one another and I don't even dare to breathe. Bella untangles one of her hands from her crossed arms, bringing it up to her mouth. She leans against her closed fist while she sizes me up. I shift awkwardly from one foot to the other.

"Hmm," she hums before tilting her head from one side to the other and I wonder what it is that she might be looking for.

"So you're asking me out on a date?" She says finally, filling the air with something besides silence.

"Yes." I answer firmly, letting her know that this is what I want.

Tears fill her eyes, her head dropping down on her chest as she stares at the ground.

"What if I fuck this up too?" She asks so quietly I'm not even sure she's talking to me. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear Bella looks back up at me expectantly.

"Then we'll fix it together. Bella you are worth fighting for. I want to grow old with you. I am determined now more than ever to overcome any obstacle that may cross our paths. I was an idiot before." I promise her, because I know that there is nothing more I want on this earth than her.

A tear slips silently down her cheek. Reaching my hand out I brush it away gently. I am unable to hold myself back anymore and wrap her in my arms. She shakes lightly and I know that she is still crying, but I do not move until I feel her hand move up to stroke the underside of my jaw like she has done so many times before. Leaning back at me Bella smiles up at me, and I can't help but smile back.

Nothing has ever felt so right before.

"Edward, Bella, it is so nice to see you two again," Jessica says, unable to even contain her smile at seeing us here again.

Since showing up at Angela's, Bella and I have been working to rebuild our relationship. We started going on dates, never trying to relive the past but creating new positive memories. It amazed me that even after so many years together, Bella still blushed when I pulled out the chair for her. Something that I had once forgotten.

Dates turned into kisses, and cuddling. Sometimes we would just sit on the couch, Bella's feet tucked into my lap while we watched old reruns of Jackass. Other days Bella would meet me after work and we would run together, never going to fast and always making sure to stop and enjoy our surroundings.

We began to talk, like we hadn't done in years. About hopes for the future; our goals and our dreams. We talked about interesting things at work, and boring things. We talked about our families, and we talked about us.

Before I knew what was happening Bella and I were calling one another to every night before bed. The best days were when I would wake up still listening to the soft sounds of Bella snoring. It was almost two months before we finally broke down and talked about Bella moving back in.

Since then things had only gotten better. Bella had been seeing her own therapist to help work through her issues, and I continued to see Jessica. Bella and I both agreed to go back to see Jessica and continue to work on our relationship, at least for the time being.

So now here we are sitting on the couch next to one another. Bella's hand rests gently on my knee. She smiles up at me after Jessica speaks like we are sharing a secret that only we understand. My arm is wrapped protectively around her shoulders and I squeeze it in response, thankful that we will be some of the few to make it through.

**Don't forget the epi's still to come! Thank you all for sticking with me through everything, and I promise some of your frustrations and other questions will be answered in the BPOV-Leaving Edward. **


	26. Epilogue

_50 Years Later_

Bella and I sit cuddled together on the tiny loveseat. Her fingers toy with the wrinkles on the top of my hand, and I can't help but smile at her amusement.

"When did we get so old?" Bella asks, wrinkling her nose before running her fingertips across her own aged skin.

"It just kind of snuck up on us, didn't it?" I laugh at her, squeezing her hand.

There are days when we feel exactly the same that we did at twenty years old. Bella can be heard giggling from somewhere in the house, and I my heart still skips a beat at the sound. I can still picture her exactly as she was back then.

Other days our age is nothing but apparent by the creaking of our joints. Bella's face is weathered with wrinkles. Laugh lines around her eyes and mouth, worry lines etched into her forehead, and the small bags under her eyes from her recent trouble with sleeping. She is so different now, but still just as beautiful to me.

"Edward, what's your favorite memory?" Bella asks me, this is her new favorite game to play. She is afraid that she will forget it all; forget us. So everyday we remember our favorite memories, forcing ourselves to remember the life we've lived.

"Everyday that you've been here with me." Bella sighs because she hates this answer. She says it is just me taking the easy way out from having to think of something _real._ But every memory I have with Bella is very real.

"Do you want to know what my favorite memory is?" She goads me.

"Do I have a choice?" She smacks my chest and I laugh even though it stings a little thanks to my old body.

"When we renewed our vows on the beach. Do you remember that?" Her eyes shine brightly and I know that she is back there, her feet buried in the warm sand.

"How could I forget?" I whisper, wrapping my arm around her shoulders again.

Every five years we had taken to renewing our vows, but I knew which time she was speaking about in particular. It was the first time that my parents were unable to be there, both having passed away the year before.

Bella had worked so hard to make sure I still enjoyed myself. Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rose were all there, smiling at us. They were still suckers for getting a good vacation in for any reason. It was also the first time renewing our vows that Jessica had attended, although we had invited her every year. She always told us we were her favorite couple.

"I miss Jessica," Bella's voice interrupts my thoughts.

She had become a good family friend over the years, so her passing almost a year ago had been rough on us. It didn't help that of the family we were the only ones left. Rose had passed away almost eight years ago after a heart attack, and Emmett had followed shortly after. There was no explanation for it, but we all knew it was because he just couldn't live without her.

Jasper had passed away about five years ago after suffering from dementia for so long that he didn't even recognize his own reflection. Alice thought he may have had a moment of clarity and realized he just couldn't live like that anymore. Somehow Alice had managed to live for another two and a half years before she had finally given up, unwilling to be without Jasper any longer.

"Alright, I know what my favorite memory is," I cut in knowing that Bella hated thinking about one of us dying and leaving the other one by themselves. It would leave her in a funk for days if I didn't pull her out of it now.

"Okay?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow at me obviously intrigued.

"When we almost got divorced." Bella wrinkled her nose at my response.

"Why?" She sounded almost disgusted

"Because if it hadn't happened we may have either lost one another forever, or never realized just exactly what we had in front of us." I told her, brushing my thumb across her cheek bone. She smiled sadly, a drawn out silence hanging in the air between us while her fingers traced the bottom of my jaw.

"I don't want to be without you," she whispered finally, tears filling her eyes.

"I know baby, but I have no control over that." I told her honestly, because it was something that scared me beyond belief too. What I wouldn't give to be able to go with her, or take her with me, but I knew the world didn't work that way.

"Can you just hold me?" Bella asked me, resting her head against my chest and I tightened my arms in response.

"Always. I will always hold you."

* * *

**Why did I write an angsty sad epi? I don't freaking know! lol. Honestly it wrote itself around about chapter 14 when I woke up in the middle of the night and had to write this chapter down. I just had to take some time to refine it.**

**It is bittersweet to see this story end after having it stuck inside of my head for so many years. Thank you all for taking the journey with me. **


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